Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Day 365

A List From One Year Ago

        The other day, I found a list of things I needed or wanted in December of 2013. I read over that list and couldn't help but think how much things have changed in one year.
        The list goes as follows:

  • I need my own car. -- ü
  • I want that house in Greece (NY). -- Definitely not anymore. And it sold, anyway.
  • I want an apology. -- More like I deserve an apology. But I have come to terms with the fact that, one, I will never get one, and two, even if I did, it would be fake. Because she is fake, and not worth my time or energy anymore. I was hurt, and I felt betrayed for a long time, so much to the point that if I had ever seen her, I'd have punched her in the face repeatedly until she didn't have a face anymore, but then I realized all of the anger and hatred I was feeling only hurt me, and I refuse to give anyone else that kind of power over me. I learned a lot, and I let it go.
  • I want to finish my novel. -- It's getting there...
  • I want to be published again. -- That one's still true.

  •         I have to say, it's been one hell of a year. I fully enjoyed doing this blog and I am going to miss it. I'm thinking of starting a new blog, just not sure what it will be yet. I am thinking book reviews, or something having to do with writing and books. I need to write more fiction. I need to finish Aubrey Nightingale, finish getting it edited (only chapter one has been professionally edited so far), maybe write something new. Maybe write a few short stories and submit them for anthologies. Short stories I can finish. Poetry, too. I can write some kick ass poetry, but it has to rhyme, unless it's a haiku. I am so OCD about it having to rhyme in order for it to sound like poetry, and my style is totally Dr. Seuss. Not so much the nonsensical words, just the way he rhymes the 2nd and 4th line, and each verse is, usually, 4 lines. 
            I don't have a New Years resolution, really, just to read and write more, but that's an always goal to accomplish for me. I love the way I feel when I actually finish reading a book, instead of getting a chapter or two in, and setting it down for the night, only to completely forget about it for three months. 
            I just want to thank everyone for coming along this ride with me. I know some of my posts were short and boring, and others long and moody, but this blog was me in a nutshell in 2014. 
           Here's to a new beginning. Happy 2015, everyone!

    Tuesday, December 30, 2014

    Day 364

    "Look back to your first post of this challenge, asking ‘Post a picture of yourself and tell us your hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 Days’ did you achieve any of these goals?"

            I did achieve some of these goals. My number one goals was to finally get my own car, and, in May, I did. Thanks to two of the most generous people I know, I was able to get a car, and that in itself, has changed my life dramatically. I can go to doctors appointments and the grocery store and the library and anywhere I want to go, when I need to go, and when I want to go. I am no longer bound by someone else's schedule, because I make my own, and it is the most liberating feeling I have ever felt in my life.
            I also got a gym membership over the summer so Dylan could go to summer camp, and we could go swimming. I don't use it as often as I'd like to because of my anxiety... But it's nice to have on the good days. 
            I still do not work outside of the home, but that might change in the coming year. I am going to look for some part time work {no customer service} with the help of my counselor, and do a trial run to see if I am able to go back to work. There are days when I don't want to leave the house at all, and then I have days when I get so restless, all I want to do is get out of here. And I'm bored. I need something to do. And maybe if I find something mundane like data entry, it will get me out of my own head for a few hours a week. 
            There's no guarantee, but you'll never know unless you try.

    Monday, December 29, 2014

    Day 363

    "What inspires you to write?"

            Many things. Music, movies, tv shows, things I've seen, people I've meet, experiences I've had, quotes I've read, dreams I've had. A million different things. Every story I've started came from somewhere, and sometimes, it's just from my own imagination, like when I'm laying in bed, unable to sleep, and I get an idea. It always starts off simple, and always becomes very, very complicated.
            Also, feedback. When I get honest feedback for my stories, most of which is positive and negative together - which is good! - like, "It's a great story, but needs a lot of editing." I love hearing that! It makes me feel so good. I KNOW Aubrey Nightingale needs A LOT of work, and serious editing. I have kick ass ideas, but sometimes I have a hard time getting those ideas onto paper right, so my sentences sound awkward or I used the wrong verb, or I use too many commas. (I have a problem with commas.)
           I also tend to overthink things. One of the many problems with having anxiety. I over complicate the structure of a sentence, edit it one hundred times, and it still never looks right, so I just leave it a mess. Le sigh. Eventually, I will get this under control and be able to finish the damn book.

    Sunday, December 28, 2014

    Day 362

    "What is the last book you will read this year?"

            I've started way too many, and I haven't been reading much lately with the holidays and kids and cats and cleaning (stupid dishes, do yourself!) But maybe, if I have the time, I will finish either A Great And Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray, or The Hollow Ground. I just started that one, but it's an audio book, so I can listen while I clean up after Christmas and do dishes and cook. Matt got the book so he can listen while driving, really liked it, and told me I HAD to listen to it, so we'll see.
           I've also just started What's Left Of Us on my Kindle... now I am sucked in.

    Saturday, December 27, 2014

    Day 361

    "List a few of your favorite movies."

            It's really hard for me to pick only "a few" movies because I have SO many, but I will try. And they are in no particular order. 
    1. Stardust -- I love this movie so much, and every time I watch it, it inspires me to write!
    2. Harry Potter -- all of them, except 4. I hated their hair in 4...
    3. Revolutionary Road -- this is one of those movies where you have to think about what's really going on, because it's one giant fucking allegory about how much society controls peoples lives.
    4. Lord of the Rings & The Hobbit movies
    5. The Neverending Story
    6. Meet The Robinsons -- one of the most underrated kids moves ever. Has one of the best messages for kids to learn. 
    7. Inception 
    8. P.S. I Love You - because Ireland, duh. And Gerald Butler's accent.
    9. The Hunger Games
    10. Iron Man -- Iron Man is my favorite superhero because he uses SCIENCE to become one, not "magic", even though I believe in magic too, science is still cooler!
    11. Avatar -- This is the only movie I have ever seen in IMAX 3D and it was fucking amazing.
    12. The Golden Compass 
    13. Titanic
    14. Jumper
    15. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium -- another amazing movie for kids.
    16. The Love Guru - Mariska Hargitay LOL Cheesy, but funny.
    17. Mean Girls
    18. Maleficent
    19. Mannequin 
    20. The Invention of Lying -- I love Ricky Gervais.
    21. Winter's Tale
    22. Radio Flyer
    23. Fried Green Tomatoes 
    24. Star Trek -- the new ones
    25. Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever - I LOVE GRUMPY CAT!

    Friday, December 26, 2014

    Day 360

    Post Christmas Post 

            I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, no matter what you celebrate, if anything at all. We've only had part of our Christmas because Dylan doesn't get home until Sunday, but today was a good day. We woke up around 8 and Noah opened his gifts. I tried to stay up, but still having bronchitis and not feeling so well, I went back to bed around 10:30 and slept till 1. It felt great.
            I got up and got ready. Noah left around 3 and then Matt and I just kinda hung out until it was time to go to my Grandparents for dinner. Only time of year we get to eat prime rib roast, and it is so good. I could skip everything else, and just eat that. I tried to get everyone a small gift - Starbucks gift card for my one aunt, iTunes for my other aunt, pictures of Dylan for my Grandparents. My parents will get their gifts when Dylan gets back, not sure exactly when though.
            Overall, it was a good day.

    Thursday, December 25, 2014

    Day 359

    (to those who celebrate it)

            Our family is not religious, but we've always celebrated Christmas, and I've always considered it a family holiday, where we show everyone how much we love and appreciate each other by giving gifts and eating a delicious meal together.
            But ever since I had Dylan, Christmas is not the same without him here, and this year, he's with his father. However, we are still going to celebrate it with Matt's son, and his mom, and later tonight we're going to my Grandparents house to exchange gifts and hang out with family and eat dinner, maybe.
            Dylan gets home on Sunday and we will have our own Christmas then. I am so excited. I love spoiling him with presents. LOL.

    Wednesday, December 24, 2014

    Day 358

    Merry Christmas Eve!

            I know a lot of people celebrate the holiday today, especially when you have extended family and step parents, etc. So, no matter where you are, or what you celebrate, even if it's only that fabulous glass of wine in your hand and Netflix, I hope you all have a wonderful day!

    Tuesday, December 23, 2014

    Day 357

    Merry Festivus!

            For those who don't know what Festivus is, here is the Wiki.
            Have a great day! ;-)

    Monday, December 22, 2014

    Day 356

    "As a kid, did you want to be a ninja turtle or a power ranger? Which one?"

            I hated the power rangers, but I did love TMNT 2 - Secret Of The Ooze! I never wanted to be one of the turtles, but I did kinda wanna be April. She was cool. She was a writer, right? Yeah, if I had to pick, I'd definitely pick April. 

    Sunday, December 21, 2014

    Day 355

    Merry Yule! 

    One small flame 
    to pierce the darkness of the winter,
    A ray of hope, a symbol of light
    That lives within us, shimmers.
    A light that can never be extinguished,
    And will live on forever within us.

    Saturday, December 20, 2014

    Day 354

    I am sick.

            I am 90% sure I have strep throat, but since it's Saturday, I won't be able to see a doctor until Monday, if they have any openings. Let's hope I can make it until then. I have no desire to go the ER just for a strep test ... So, I'm going back to bed now, and I probably won't leave it all weekend. 

    Friday, December 19, 2014

    Day 353

    "What was the best day of your life (so far)?"

            I actually have a couple. 
    1. The day my son was born. 
    2. The day I graduated college.
    3. The day I found out I was going to be published. 

    Thursday, December 18, 2014

    Day 352

    "What’s the way to win your heart?"

            When someone does something for me that is out of no where nice. Like when Matt brings me flowers, out of no where, for no reason. It's like, wow you really do think about me and care about me. That's something I have a hard time accepting; the fact that someone can actually love and care about me. 
            Also, when people bring me coffee. That is always a giant I LOVE YOU! in my book. ;-)

    Wednesday, December 17, 2014

    Day 351

    "Are you getting bored of this challenge?"

            Well, it's almost over, so, no LOL However, I do have a sick little boy at home that I need to take care of, so posting is not high on my priority list right now. Sorry guys.

    Tuesday, December 16, 2014

    Day 350

    "Post a picture of yourself today."

    I'm out of contacts. :-( 

    Monday, December 15, 2014

    Day 349

    "Your opinion on gay marriage."

            ... who cares? If people wanna get married, then get married. As long as they are of legal, consenting age, then who fucking cares?

    Sunday, December 14, 2014

    Day 348

    "Have you changed much in the past year?"

            Honestly, I don't know. I would like to say, "Yes! I have conquered my anxiety, got a job and am no longer reliant on anyone else for anything!" But I haven't. Not yet anyway. 
            I am also not married yet, which makes me slightly sad, and slightly relieved... Marriage for me is a very tricky subject.
            The only thing I have changed my view on is Child Support because of my own personal experiences with when I was a child, and because of how I see other women (not all, but some) abuse it, and use it to pay for their cars or clothes for themselves, instead of what it's supposed to be used for: THE CHILD. Hence why it's called CHILD support, not BABY MAMA support. A lot of women are greedy and angry so they want to take their ex's for everything they have. It took me a while to realize that just because some women do this, doesn't mean I will. I am not a materialistic person. I am not shallow or vain or think money is the most important thing in the world, because it's not. But I did realize that it is unfair to Dylan that he has to go without sometimes because his father is not being responsible, so, this spring I went downtown and filed. 
            We have a court order for a very low amount, which for now I am fine with. But since Dylan's father doesn't have a job, I haven't seen a penny of what he owes me, and he's pretty far in arrears. 
            For me, Child Support will be one of those things that is an extra bonus, a surprise almost, when I get my first check in the mail. At the moment, I plan on using it on underwear, socks and pajamas because that's what Dylan needs, but that might change once I actually get a check because I have no idea when that will actually be. 
           So, here is a tip for women everywhere who get Child Support, based on personal experience: learn not to RELY on Child Support. Because, for one, some men can be very unreliable, and, 2, when your kid turns 18 or 21, you're not getting that money anymore (unless they owe you any in arrears). So you need to be prepared. It doesn't last forever. And if you're not prepared, it's going to be like a giant slap in the face once it's gone.
            And don't you dare tell your kid they have to pay you that money once they come of age. It's not their fault they were born... 

    Saturday, December 13, 2014

    Day 347

    "If you won the lottery, honestly, how would you spend the money?"

    1. Pay off all my debt, and my families and friends.
    2. Buy a really cool, old Victorian house, get it fixed up a little and make sure I had a library. Then I'd have a contractor come in and have him built me a secret room behind the wall of book shelves where you pull a book down and the door opens, and the secret room would be a reading/writing room. Like this one, but cooler. 
    3. Travel. Everywhere. 
    4. Be a philanthropist.
    5. Get my teeth fixed. Not sure about the underbite because that would be really invasive and painful, but if nothing else, I'd get implants and veneers.  

    Friday, December 12, 2014

    Day 346

    "What is your dream job?"

            Being a writer {and actually being able to write...} and to earn enough money doing so to live. I mean, yes, it would be amazing to find my book on the NY Times Best Sellers list, but I am okay with making just enough to survive. That and apart of me is terrified of getting THAT much publicity. I don't want to be on TV or have to do massive book signings because, let's face it, we all know I'm not really a people person, and large groups of people terrify me.
            I'm also looking for some kind of job, that is not customer service, that I could possibly do part time in the coming year, as a trial run. No idea what I could do, though. Because everything is customer service. 

    Thursday, December 11, 2014

    Day 345

    "What, in life, have you found to be unfair?"

            A lot of things. I mean, racism, poverty, the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer, the middle class dying, children all over the world with no clean drinking water or food, women forced to sell their daughters into slavery and the sex trade, or kill their baby just because it's a girl and death is a better sentence than the kind of life they would have to live in their country. There are so many things about life that are unfair. 
            But for me, personally, I'd have to say, not being able to have anymore kids. I do not believe in myself very much, and there are very few things I consider myself to be good at, but I know am a good mom. 
            I see all of these women who are ignorant and uneducated and selfish popping out kids like it's no big deal, and I'm over here like, "What about me?" It's not fair. Money or class or race or big houses is not what makes a family. Unconditional love is what makes a family real. I love my son more than my own life. I'd die for him. I'd give up my life for him. Don't think for one second that I wouldn't pull a John Q if I had to.
            I look around and I am seeing so many women my age getting pregnant for the first or second time. Hell, my best friend just turned 38 and she just had her second daughter in June. I had Dylan so young, and he's going to be 10 in March. I do question the universe, but at the same time, I wonder if me having cysts and not being able to get pregnant again is a blessing in disguise. I'm starting to feel older. I don't have the energy I once had when I was 20 when Dylan was born. I don't know how all of these women do it. I think if I did, by some miracle, get pregnant again, I'd be ecstatic
            But at the same time, I already have the best kid ever. How could I top that?

    Wednesday, December 10, 2014

    Day 344

    "When was the last time you cried, and why?"

            I cry all the time. But I think the last time I cried was on Saturday (December 6th). I watched the latest episode of Reign, and it just hit me hard. It was a serious trigger. Mary, Queen of Scotland and France, was raped by false guards looking to kill Francis, the King of France. But he wasn't there. Long story short, it triggered something in my brain. As soon as it was over, I got in the shower and just cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
            I don't normally go into this much detail about the personal shit in my life on my blog, but I am at the point where if I don't deal with, I have to numb it. And that usually involves benzodiazepines, pain killers, and/or alcohol. I don't want to use that stuff... and I hate admitting it, but I like how it feels not to feel. It's all so much, and it all comes at once and you don't know when or what will trigger it, but once it's there, you have no control of your mind or body. 
            I want to take that control back. I need it back. I just don't know how... 

    Monday, December 8, 2014

    Day 342

    "Are you addicted to Facebook?"

            LOL aren't we all? I think now it's just become a habit.  Wake up, go pee, make coffee, wake up kid(s) for school, get them breakfast, pour coffee, then sit and check Facebook until it's time to get them on the bus, drive/walk to bus stop, come home, drink more coffee, read more Facebook, play stupid Facebook games, shower, get dressed, go to appointments, check Facebook for your phone while waiting, go to grocery store or dollar store or whatever, go home, check Facebook, go get kid(s) from bus stop, let them play games while you check Facebook, again. It's a habit you don't even realize you're doing. It's bad and I hope soon, Facebook will be like Myspace, and something new will come out. I am on twitter, tumblr, and instagram, but they are pretty different from Facebook. 
           So, yes, I am addicted to it. 

    Sunday, December 7, 2014

    Day 341

    "Do you have any hard, life-changing choices to make, anytime soon?"

            Well, I'm not sure yet. 
            The possibility of moving out west, getting married, uprooting my family and living 2,300 miles away... Right now, it's only a big, big maybe, but it's still something we think about. It's a hard decision to make, especially when the owner of the company already told Matt he could go. 

    Saturday, December 6, 2014

    Day 340

    "What are your favorite types of shoes? Why?"

            Anything comfortable. Sneakers, boots, sandals, or slippers. I can't wear heels because I'm already 5'7", and my fiance is about 5'10", so, if I wear heels, I feel like a giant. My wedding will be, hopefully, bare foot, because honestly, I hate shoes and wish I never had to wear them. Or only wear really comfortable sandals.
            I also have high arches and plantar fasciitis, so I have to have special inserts in my sneakers and supports built into my sandals. It's such a pain in the ass... 

    Friday, December 5, 2014

    Day 339

    "Who was the last person you texted and how do you know them?"

            Matt. He is my fiance. 

    Thursday, December 4, 2014

    Wednesday, December 3, 2014

    Day 337

    "Describe your relationship status."

            Taken. Engaged. No real plans for a wedding, though... long story. But the gist is that we can't afford it right now. Happy. Not overly mushy, but it can be at times. Lucky. Stable. Secure. Safe. It's good. :-) 

    Tuesday, December 2, 2014

    Day 336

    "Five positive personality traits you have."

            Oh, I am just soooo ...
    1. Charming ;-)
    2. Trusting 
    3. Reliable 
    4. Optimistic... sometimes. 
    5. Creative.

    Monday, December 1, 2014

    Day 335

    "Five negative personality traits you have"

            Well, I can be pretty... 
    1. Vulgar
    2. Gullible 
    3. Gluttonous... especially when stressed, or ... bored.
    4. Passive aggressive
    5. Contain my feelings until I explode. 

    Sunday, November 30, 2014

    Day 334

    "What possibilities currently lie in your future?"

            Moving out west, possibly Arizona, as shown above, or Nevada, Colorado, or New Mexico. This is only a possibility... if Matt's job moves out there. And even then, we still don't know for sure. A part of me wants to go, and the other part is slightly terrified. But, I don't want to avoid things just because I am afraid. The idea of starting over somewhere new where no one knows me is very, very enticing. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

    Saturday, November 29, 2014

    Day 333

    "How do you really feel about your ex?"

            ... Well...


    Thursday, November 27, 2014

    Day 331

    Happy Turkey Day

    LUKE: Shouldn't we give thanks first?
    JESS: Thanks for what?
    LUKE: Well, that we’re not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.
    LORELAI: Amen.

    Wednesday, November 26, 2014

    Day 330

    "What book are you currently reading?"

            LOL you mean books.

    • A Great and Terrible Beauty (still haven't finished it...)
    • Quiet - The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
    • My Anxieties have Anxieties 
    • This is How
    • The Hangmans Daughter
    • The Silkworm (it's a really long book...)
    • The Body Electric
    • The Mad Scientists Daughter 
    • Outlander 
    • Cinder
    • Through the Ever Night

    Tuesday, November 25, 2014

    Day 329

    "Where do you want to be in ten years?"

    • Far, far away from here. West coast, maybe. 
    • Published with a real company, making quarterly royalties. 
    • Driving a NEW Honda... 
    • Having coffee with John Green, and JK Rowling in London.
    • Traveling the world with my fiance, or hopefully by then, my husband.
    • Healthy, physically and mentally.
    • Happy, no matter where I am.

    Monday, November 24, 2014

    Day 328

    "Your favorite music."

           I like all kinds of music, except for country, rap, and screaming death metal. The music is okay, it's the screaming that I hate. It's like nails on a chalkboard. How does that not hurt their throats?
          I like some pop and alternative and, I don't know, genre's are stupid and confusing. 
         John Mayer is my all time favorite {Dylan's middle name is Mayer...} I was obsessed with BSB when I was a teenager. I also love Florence + the Machine, Yuna, Toro Y Moi, Ed Sheeran, Sia, Bjork, Boyce Avenue, The Cinematic Orchestra, The Trans Siberian Orchestra (Christmas music!!), Coldplay, Colbie Caillat, Conor Oberst, Hans Zimmer, Murray Gold, Imogen Heap, Jason Mraz, Jem, Lily Allen, Lorde, MS MR, Sara Bareilles, Tove Lo, and more. 

    Sunday, November 23, 2014

    Day 327

    "What fictional character are you most like?"

           I know this is giving myself some high praise, but I'd like to think I am a lot like Lorelai Gilmore, with a little bit of Rory thrown in (with the being a writer and reading a lot.) But, sadly, I also feel like I am a lot like Bella Swan, self deprecating, with low self esteem and just so fucking pathetic, you wanna slap me.
          Unlike her, I do not need to be rescued and turned into a vampire in order to love myself.
           But I feel like I am a lot like Lorelai, mostly because we have similar parenting styles. The way we want to/try to raise our kid is almost the exact same.
           And also, Tiffany from Silver Linings Playbook, in that we've both taken the same medication, and suffer from anxiety/depression. But I don't dance...

    Saturday, November 22, 2014

    Day 326

    "List ten things that make you happy."

    1. My son
    2. My cat, most of the time... 
    3. MY CAR!
    4. Gilmore girls
    5. Music... that's not on the radio.
    6. My true friends, who are there for me, no matter what.
    7. Ellen DeGeneres
    8. Presents, especially when unexpected 
    9. Helping other people
    10. My fiance

    Friday, November 21, 2014

    Day 325

    "List ten things that make you angry."

    1. Traffic.
    2. Lines at the checkout.
    3. My sons father... lol 
    4. 4th grade math homework.
    5. Any school project that requires ME to do most of the work.
    6. Sudden change in plans... I need time to {mentally} prepare. 
    7. Waking up and realizing we're out of coffee...
    8. When the internet doesn't work.
    9. Fake people.
    10. Music on the radio... it's so fucking bad, I wanna throw it.

    Thursday, November 20, 2014

    Day 324

    "A book you recommend? Why?"

            I think, right now, I would recommend The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer, because I've recently finished the series, and I feel like it's a really good, underrated YA book, and I swear the first book is such a complete and total mind fuck, you will not be able to think straight until you finish the series. It's so good. SO good.

    Wednesday, November 19, 2014

    Day 323

    "Who was your favorite character from any book."

            Oh, my god, you're killing me with all of these book questions! 
            I'm going to have to list a lot because I have SO many. And I've read so many books, that I cannot only pick one character... 
            The last book I read, and actually finished, was the last book in the Mara Dyer Trilogy. In those books, my favorite character would have to be Noah Shaw because he's funny and british and witty, and I like that.  
            In the Hobbit, my favorite character was Kili. 
            Lord of the Rings, I always had a soft spot for Samwise.
            The Giver my favorite character was Jonas, just because everyone else, besides the Giver himself, was ... very robotic. 
           In the Book Thief, I'd have to say I love the narrator, who is death. I'm not sure if he's considered a character or not, but I consider him to be.
           In the Harry Potter books, my favorite characters were (it's impossible to pick only one) Dumbledore, Sirius, Peeves, Luna Lovegood, Neville because he was kick ass in the last book, Fred and George, and, of course, Hagrid.
            In Twilight, Alice was my favorite. 
            In The Fault In Our Stars, my favorite characters was Augustus Waters. 
            In Outlander, Jamie, no doubt. 
            The Hunger Games, my favorite character was... Prim's cat. And Finnick, Cinna and Effie.
            I know I have more, but I can't think of anymore at the moment. 

    Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    Day 322

    Which book do you want/need to be made into a movie?

           Most definitely The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer! 

    Monday, November 17, 2014

    Day 321

    "Your favorite quote of any of the books you have read."

    "Asscrown," I muttered under my breath as I headed to my next class. I wasn't proud of swearing at a complete stranger, no. but he started it.

    Noah matched my pace. "Don't you mean 'assclown'?" He looked amused.

    "No," I said, louder this time. "I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses," I said, as though I was reading from a dictionary of modern profanity.

    "I guess you nailed me then."   
     ~ The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer 

    Sunday, November 16, 2014

    Day 320

    "Favorite book. Explain why you like it."

            Oh, COME ON! I can't just name ONE book, because I love HUNDREDS of books! Okay, here's a list of books I love, not in any particular order.
    • The Mara Dyer Trilogy 
    • The Hunger Games Trilogy
    • The Fault In Our Stars
    • Harry Potter Series
    • The Giver 
    • The Book Thief
    • Lord Of The Rings Trilogy
    • The Cuckoo's Calling 
    • The Silkworm
    • The Four Agreements 
    • Outlander
    • Across The Universe Trilogy 

           There is more, but that's all I can think of at the moment. 

    Saturday, November 15, 2014

    Day 319

    "If you could, would you rather live in the early 1900’s?"

            It depends. I watch Downton Abbey and some parts would be okay, but women didn't have rights and there was no internet, and phones were just invented. I think I'd like to visit, take a ride in the TARDIS, but eventually, I think I'd rather live now. I like technology too much, and, you know, freedom/equality for women. 

    Friday, November 14, 2014

    Day 318

    "Are you happy with how you look?"

            No. But welcome to America, where women are judged soley on their appearence, regardless of how intelligent, wise, witty, clever, or good they are.
           My entire life, I have been made fun of because of my weight. I have allowed other people's opinion of me destroy my self-esteem and confidence. I have recently realized that this is the root of my anxiety. I am terrified of what people think of me. I am terrified they will think I am not good enough or pretty enough or thin enough. This is why I hate meeting new people, going out in public, having people stare at me like I am some kind of freak. 
            It has become my ultimate goal to one day stop giving a shit. Hopefully CBT will help me reach this goal, and I will no longer be afraid to tell everyone to fuck off. 

    Thursday, November 13, 2014

    Day 317

    "What are your fears?"

    • The dentist. 
    • Crowded places. 
    • Something bad happening to my son.
    • Losing internet again ... 
    • My car not working... again.
    • Losing my fiance to a tragic trucker accident... 

    Wednesday, November 12, 2014

    Day 316

    {Our internet hasn't been working for the past few weeks, so I apologize for the late/scheduled posts.}

    "What is your definition of the word LOVE? Talk about 3 things you love." 

            I believe love is the mightiest word of all words. It has the power to change someone's life and the world. Love is the greatest thing the human race can experience. 

    I love my son more than anything, ever. 
    I love my fiancé. 
    And I love my cats. 
    Also coffee and sleep. 

    Tuesday, November 11, 2014

    Day 315

    Happy Veterans Day! 

            Today I am writing a special post to all the Veterans and families of Veterans because my fiance is a Marine Corps Combat Veteran who fought -- well, drove a tank -- in Operation Iraqi Freedom in 2003. He went through a lot of challenges and faced a lot of things no 19 year old kid should have to face.
           He always tells me to stop thanking him, but I can't. Because I love him and even though I don't support war, I do support the troops because they're only doing what they are told to do. When you're in the military, you are considered government property, which I find absolutely repulsive because no human should ever be someone else's property, even the governments. Especially the governments...
           But anyway, here's to you and all the Veterans out there! Thank you for your time defending and keeping our country safe.

    Monday, November 10, 2014

    Day 314

    "What is your definition of the word hate? Talk about 3 things you hate."

            I think hate is probably the worst word in the English language. I'd rather have my kid slip up and say "Oh, shit!" for dropping something on his foot, than have him say he hated something or someone.
            Most people believe that hate is the opposite of love. Well, it's not. Or at least, for me, it's not. The opposite of love is fear. The opposite of hate, I think, is acceptance or compassion, maybe.
            It's okay to dislike things, like brussel sprouts or Billy Baldwin, but hate is such a strong, hurtful, powerful word. I don't use it often. I mean, yeah, sometimes I slip up and say "I hate snow!" But that's a momentary reaction caused by being frustrated by the weather. 
            I truly, honestly, 100% do not hate anything, or anyone. 
            I do, however, dislike many things. Snow, for instance is one of those things. I do think it's pretty when it first falls, and it's white and fluffy and sitting so pretty on the tree tops and the flakes get caught in my eyelashes... but then you have to drive in it. And the plows push it all up against the side of the road and RIGHT in front of your driveway so you have this five foot pile of snow to shovel before you can leave for your doctors appointment, that you're already late for because you had to get on all those extra layers and boots and parkas and hats and gloves. GAH!
            I really dislike snow. 
            I also dislike brussel sprouts and green beans. They taste like the smell of fresh cut grass. Argue with me all you want, THEY DO!

    Sunday, November 9, 2014

    Day 313

    "Write about your ideal partner in detail. Does your crush/partner match the criteria? If no, talk about that."

            We all know that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, or a perfect person, or anything perfect, because perfection is impossible. Everything has flaws. And that's okay because it's what makes us human. Or it makes a rose thorny, or a cat with feline dwarfism become one of the most famous animals in the history of animals. Imperfection can be beautiful.
            A lot of people know what they're looking for in a relationship. Some people want their partner to have money, others just want them to be nice and kind, and not get drunk and beat them every night.
            I, myself, do have a list of qualities I look for in a partner. But I gotta be honest with you; it's not that long. And I don't mean that to sound like I'll settle for anyone, it's just that... I have flaws, a lot of them, so how can I have a list of crazy impossible qualities that I expect from someone, when I can't live up to certain expectations myself?
           So, here goes. 
    1. Learning from past experiences, I need my partner to have a job. A real job. One that is more of a career, and not just something temporary until something better comes along. I like stability. I don't mean to say he has to make six figures and buy me a mansion, but it needs to be something that keeps us financially stable so we can survive.
    2. Maturity & Sense of Responsibility are very important. I don't want to be with someone who stays out all hours of the night, drinking and blowing all their money at a bar instead of paying rent. Having your priorities in order is a must. Rent, electricity & heat, etc, are more important than partying.
    3. Besides love, honesty is the most important part of a relationship. I need to be able to trust the person I am with 100%, not questioning whether or not they really are going to help a friend fix his car or sneaking off to fuck some other girl in a bush. Trust is key, my friends. 
    4. A sense of humor. I love laughing. It makes me not sad and less depressed and one of my favorite things to do with my fiance is laugh at stupid shit, and tell each other bad jokes and watch horrible movies. It feels amazing to laugh with my fiance. 
    5. Because of my "disability", or disorder, or whatever you want to call it, I need someone who is understanding, someone who has empathy. Someone who can really see how much I struggle, and instead of berate me for it, comfort me. Anxiety has been a huge burden on my life for so long and I really am trying to get better. But it helps a LOT when you have a support system you can count on.
            And I have to say, I am incredibly lucky to have found my fiance because he fits into every single one of these. He is hard working, generous, loving, affectionate, honest, sympathetic, funny, and sexy as fucking hell.

    Saturday, November 8, 2014

    Day 312

    "Write about how you do your makeup/hair. Why do you do it that way?"
            I'm really not vain like a lot of people, so, I don't over do it. 
            I normally let my hair air dry, and sometimes straighten it. If I am freezing, I will blow dry it, but only if it's really fucking cold. My hair is pretty long (down to the middle of my back) so it takes FOREVER for it to blow dry, like 20-30 minutes, and I'd rather do other stuff while it air dries. It's naturally wavy/curly/denty, so a lot of the time, I will straighten parts of it and leave the rest wavy. If I use product, it's either leave in conditioner or heat protectant spray. I tried the coconut oil before, to make the waves not get frizzy, and though it looked pretty, my hair felt so gross and greasy. So I try to avoid that. It always ends up in a pony tail by the end of the night anyway, no matter what I do to it.
            Make up mostly consists of mascara, black eyeliner, and coco butter lip balm. Sometimes if I have really bad dark circles under my eyes, I will use a little cover up, but only under my eyes. If I wear eye shadow, I use purples or browns. I try to keep it as simple as possible. I wish I could use liquid eye liner because I do think it looks cool, but my hands are too shaky and it always gets messed up. Other than that, I don't wear much make up.

    Friday, November 7, 2014

    Day 311

    "What are you grateful for?"

            Everything good in my life. My son, my fiance, my cats, my car, my home, my new kitchen floor, my new table, my family, my friends, my strange epiphanies, my imagination, coffee, my washer and dryer, my laptop, my phone, my Kindle, my books, journals, pens, candles, clean drinking water, fresh air, movies, music, Gilmore girls, the internet, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon!, Target, Wegmans!, and, on occasion, wine.

    Thursday, November 6, 2014

    Day 310

    "Is there drama in your life just now with friends and/or family? Write about it."

            Sometimes. It's never mine though, it's always someone else's. I hate drama and avoid it more than Fox News anchors avoid Ebola. And since it is not my drama, I don't think it would be fair to write about it on my blog. It's really none of my business, even though I get pulled into it when I just want to be far, far, FAR away from it.
            But it's hard when your fiance's ex wife is a brain dead, crack head, child abusing whore who should have died 16 years ago as the universe planned, but instead her mother sold her soul to Hades, and now the world has a gigantic fucking mess on it's hands, because not only is she still alive, but for some reason no scientist could ever identify, she decided breeding was a good idea and brought 3 horrible mistakes into the world, all of whom will end up dead from an overdose or killed by their pimp. We ALL know how this story is going to end just from the first few chapters. Seriously, why the doctors didn't immediately tie her tubes the minute she woke up from a 2 month coma, without judgement, is beyond me.
            But, oh, wait, it's not my drama... 

    Wednesday, November 5, 2014

    Day 309

    "Write about your crush. Write anything: if you’re friends, don’t talk, it’s going great or it’s complicated."

            Oh, we talk. We talk every day. And we're friends. Best friends. It's going great. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but 90% of the time, it's great. 
            And he's my fiance. He's sexy as fuck, too. Nothin' like a tattooed, truck driving, Marine Corps combat veteran to keep you warm at night.

    Tuesday, November 4, 2014

    Day 308

    "Write 5 things that sum you up. Include a picture with 1 or more of these things."

            I don't know if I'm doing this right, so I guess I'll just wing it. 
    1. Motherhood
    2. Books
    3. Purple
    4. Anxiety
    5. Coffee

    Monday, November 3, 2014

    Day 307

    "What are the memories you have when you think of kindergarten?"

            My teachers name was long, hard to pronounce, and very Italian. Mrs. I-uh-cully? Mind you, I am spelling that phonetically because I have no idea how to actually spell it. 
            I remember one time we had show and tell, and I brought in my Barbie music tape and made everyone in my class do a really bad version of the running man dance. I don't remember what song was on the Barbie tape, all I remember was that I loved it and I thought it was the coolest show and tell I ever did. That's what happens when you're 5 and it's 1989/1990.
            I remember liking homework because it was so easy. Three apples plus two apples equals how many apples? And there were PICTURES of apples. It was great.
           And my kitten dress. OMFG I loved my pink kitten dress. But I went to catholic school, so I couldn't wear my dress to school... Stupid blue and yellow striped uniforms. 

    Sunday, November 2, 2014

    Day 306

    Daylight Savings Ends 

            While I enjoy getting an extra hour to not sleep... And I like having the sun be out when I wake up, I do not enjoy the sun setting at 4:30 in the afternoon. I cannot drive in the dark. I am blind. Literally. If I didn't have glasses, my vision is 20/500. It's horrendous. I don't like not having the option of leaving my house after 5 o'clock. It's going to become very claustrophobic in here, very fast.
            And to top it off, if you want to give me serious anxiety that may result in a full blown panic attack, leave me hanging with no idea what's going on. Just get up and leave and not give me any information on the situation or what I need to do or where I need to be, or how your kid is getting home or to school tomorrow. Please, I REALLY LOVE NOT KNOWING. IT'S MY FAVORITE THING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING, EVER AGAIN.

    Saturday, November 1, 2014

    Day 305

    "Who is the last person you texted? How do you know them?"

             My Dad... because he's my dad, and today is his birthday! So, Happy Birthday Papa! 

    Friday, October 31, 2014

    Day 304

    Happy Halloween

            Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday, minus the trick-or-treating. I hate trick or treating, however, I love what the Halloween stands for:
    It initiates the autumn triduum of All-hallow-tide, the time of year dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed believers. Within All-hallow-tide, the traditional focus of All Hallows' Eve revolves around the theme of using "humor and ridicule to confront the power of death."
            Tomorrow is All Saint's Day.
    "All Saints' Day is the centerpiece of the autumn triduum. In the carnival celebrations of All Hallows' Eve our ancestors used the most powerful weapon in the human arsenal, the power of humor and ridicule to confront the power of death. The following day, in the commemoration of All Saints, we gave witness to the victory of incarnate goodness embodied in remarkable deeds and doers triumphing over the misanthropy of darkness and devils. And in the commemoration of All Souls we proclaimed the hope of common mortality expressed in our aspirations and expectations of a shared eternity."
            Very cool. I like dead people. Much better than I like the living...

    Thursday, October 30, 2014

    Day 303

    "What do you drink today?"

    • Water
    • Coffee
    • Ginger ale

    That's really all I ever drink ...

    Wednesday, October 29, 2014

    Day 302

    "Which grade was your favorite? Why?"

            None. I hated them all. 

    Tuesday, October 28, 2014

    Day 301

    "A picture of someone you miss."

            No. I miss too many people, and don't have pictures of them all on my computer, or anywhere online. I miss my friends who live far away, which is 3 out of 4. I miss old friends I haven't seen in years. I wonder how they are and hope they are well. 

    Monday, October 27, 2014

    Day 300

    "What is your favorite kind of soup?"

            I have two: French Onion and Cream of Broccoli/Broccoli Cheddar. But I am really picky about French Onion soup. I don't like bread it in because soggy bread makes me gag (texture thing), and it must be mozzarella cheese on top, NOT swiss or provolone.