Friday, January 31, 2014

Day Thirty One

"What is your horoscope for today, and do you think it’s accurate?" 

"Family obligations seem to be your top priority these days, perhaps even to the extent of avoiding the work that's expected of you now. Thankfully, you can clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel, motivating you to follow through on your promises. Your willingness to jump in without reserve enables you to get results faster than you expect. More than anything, you want peace at home and this is your chance to make it happen."

        This does seem fairly accurate for me lately. My fiance has been out of work this week due to dental surgery (had all 4 wisdom teeth out) and I've been taking care of him, cooking him scrambled eggs and making sure he takes his anti biotics.  I have a tendency to avoid doing a lot of work, whether it be house work or writing, when people are home because... well, we live in a trailer and everyone is cramped into the living room/dining room/kitchen (they're all one big room).  I have a very hard time writing with people reading over my shoulder, and cleaning when people get in the way or make a mess right after I clean.  So, I wait until everyone is gone (normally Monday's) to get most of my work done.  Things like laundry and dishes are things I do daily, so I still do that.  But I don't organize or dust or anything that means I need room to do it.  
        The light at the end of the tunnel for me is Monday.  Most people hate Monday's, when I normally love them.  I get the place to myself for seven whole hours(about) and I can get SO MUCH SHIT DONE.  Weekends are always stressful when we have everyone in the house and it's been too cold here in Upstate NY to go outside to do anything, so we've all got a touch of Cabin Fever.  
        I am really hoping that Punxutawney Phil doesn't see his shadow so spring will hurry up and get here.  That's a whole other light I am looking forward too. 

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Day Thirty

Throw Back Thursday! 

          Today, I've decided to have a little fun with my blog and see if I could find any interesting stuff about myself or pictures from 10 years ago today.
          10 years ago today, I was 19.  I'd just returned to FLCC for my third semester.  Dylan's father and I had gotten back together over the break, either that or right around this time, I can't remember for sure.  Here are the classes I was taking that semester:
  • MUS-107 02 Music Theory II (B+)
  • MUS-126 01 College Singers (A)
  • MUS-131 01 Piano (B)
  • PE-214 01 First Aid RTE (B+)
  • PSY-100 04 Introduction to Psychology (B+) 
        That semester was probably the first semester I didn't get anything lower than a B. Which surprises me a little, seeing how distracted I was with Dylan's father.  But I went to my classes and tried to get my GPA up.  (My first semester at FLCC, Spring of 03, my GPA was a 1.5 ... First semester of college was a serious wake up call for me, in many ways.)
        You can tell, this was when I was still a music major.
        I wish I had some pictures from back then, but this was right when the whole cell phone/camera phone thing was starting with the general public and I can't find any.  I know I don't have any here, and if I did have some, they'd be at my moms house, up in her attic.
        I do have a picture of me from the previous thanksgiving, 2003, which was only 2 months prior, so here ya go.


Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Day Twenty Nine

{I just watched "The Fault In Our Stars" trailer, and I am blubbering like a baby over here.  Must regroup ...
If you haven't read this book... what the fuck is wrong with you?!
Okay, I'm ready to blog now.}

"Tell us a bit about your social life outside of social media."

        The laughs will not stop.  I swear.  If you were in my house right now, you'd think I were insane.  Well, I am insane, but a different kind of insane. 
        I'm going to be completely honest with you here, and tell you the honest-to-the-universe-truth. 
        I. Don't. Have. One.
        I have a total of four real life friends (not including my fiance or family). Two of them live in different parts of the state.  One of them lives on the other side of the city. And the other one is a fairly new full time mom with an infant to take care of.  Since I don't work outside of the home, nor do I go club hopping every weekend because the need to be the center of attention in large groups of people is not where I get my self worth, I don't have many opportunities to make new friends.  I'm afraid I've forgotten how to make friends.  In real life, that is.  I'm always looking for new people to chat with online and follow on twitter, etc.
        The only time I really leave the house is to go grocery shopping, doctors appointments, meetings at my kids school, visiting a family member, or if we are on that side of the city, we usually stop by our friends house because we're lucky enough that one of my best friends and my fiance's best friend are married.
        A life outside of social media... what a wonder it must be... 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Day Twenty Eight

"A date you’d love for someone to take you on."

        I'd prefer my fiance to come with me, but the odds are slim. He's not into girly, new age, hippie, spiritual stuff like I am.
        And I'm really not even that girly.
        I've always wanted to go see Phil Jordan.  He's a medium/psychic a few hours from where we live.  I have known two people who have seen him before and it turned out that he was spot on, even when they were totally skeptical prior to the reading.  I can't really go into details because it's not my story to tell. I think it would be cool, even if it turned out to be just for fun.
        I love new age shops.  I normally only shop online at 13moons because no one ever wants to go to Psychic's Thyme with me.  I'll have to add it to my bucket list, once I get a car.
        Going back to Cherry Springs when it's not so cold to see the stars.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Day Twenty Seven

"List 5 favorite girls names and 5 favorite boys names."

        Only five?? Oh, boy. This is going to be hard. 
        For those of you who don't know me very well, I am OBSESSED with names.  Doesn't matter that they're for; babies, pets, cars, body parts, characters, etc.  I love names.  I have a very long list of favorite names for boys and girls.  Narrowing it down to five is going to be hard for me ... But, here we go.  

1. Skyelar Violet (if I ever have a baby girl, this will be her name.) 
2. Nova 
3. River
4. Lorelai 
5. Astrid

1. Soren Jace 
2. Tyson
3. Orion
4. Roman
5. Theo

If I had twins, they would be:
Two Girls: Skyelar and Sunshine (nm Sunny)
Two Boys: Soren and Storm 
One of each:  Skyelar and Storm
(I don't think my fiance would ever go for the twin names.  These are all me.)

        My next female cat will be named Khaleesi. And I shall get her some little kitty dragons. 
        I also really want a hedgehog, but I haven't thought of a good name for him yet.  I refuse to name him Sonic.  Way too obvious ... 

Some Character names I've used...
Aubrey Nightingale 
Azra Sparrow 
Rhea Kenti 
Fiona Lennox 
Declan Raddik 
Shae Rivers 
Dylan Meyer 
Storm Raymond 
Sunny Raymond
Lydia Sloan
Vincent Damek 

And so many more ... 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Day Twenty Six

"What is something you makes you really angry?" 

        Indocile children.
        Well, at least, that's how this weekend has been. No one listens to me lately, and I normally have a very long fuse.  I never yell.  Like, ever.  But when my fuse meets it's end, I explode like nuclear bomb.
        I can be very scary, and I don't mean to be.  Of course, I feel horrible afterward because I don't like yelling at my kid, but there's only so much a mother can handle before she loses it.
        Another thing that makes me very angry is tardiness.  I am never late for anything.  When I worked, I was always 15 minutes early, at least.  So, when people tell me to be somewhere at a certain time, I am ALWAYS on time, usually a little early.  But when people say they are going to be there at a certain time and make me wait around for them for 20-30 minutes, sometimes even longer, it makes me want to beat the living shit out of a punching bag.  I know it's not that big of a deal, but it drives me fucking insane.


Saturday, January 25, 2014

Day Twenty Five

"Who do you wished lived closer and why?"

        I actually have two people I wish lived closer.  
        My best friend from Binghamton.  
        And my friend who lives out in East Bumblefuk.  
        Why? Because I miss them and I love them like sisters and I don't have many friends around here.  I know I'm not the biggest people person, but there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.  I like to be alone sometimes because I get more shit done when no one else is home or around to get in the way when I'm cleaning, or read over my shoulder when I'm writing. (BIGGEST ANNOYANCE EVER. Do NOT read behind me when I am writing anything.  It gives me so much unneeded anxiety...)
        Other times, I feel very isolated and lonely.  I don't have my own car yet, but soon I plan on getting one.  It's something I need for my own sanity and health.  When I lived in Binghamton, my friend lived right down the block from me, so Dylan and I would walk to her house almost daily and we'd let the kids play and have our cup of coffee and chats and I miss that.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Day Twenty Four

"Name five  things you are looking forward to." 

        1. Getting my own car.
        2. Buying a house with Matt and the kids.
        3. Getting married ... eventually.
        4. Finishing an actual full length book.
        5. Getting that book published.

        Last night, I opened up Aubrey Nightingale and started working on it again.  It feels good.
        I am working on it right now actually, so I should probably get back to work ...

{I seriously need this mug, by the way...}

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Day Twenty Three

"Who are your ten favorite people right now, and why?"

        1. My son, but that's always.
        2. Veronica Mars, because she is getting me through this horrible cold and it's a pretty good show (thank you, Amazon Prime). 
        3. The people at Vicks for inventing DayQuil, NyQuil, and Vapo-rub. 
        4. The people at Kleenex for making tissues with lotion so my nose doesn't hurt so much.
        5. The people who measured, cut, stitched, and put together my Micro Sherpa Fleece blanket because it's fucking awesome, and soft, especially when you're sick.  Blankets always feel softer when your sick.
        6.  My fiance, because I forgot Half & Half at the store this morning when I got my medications and he's stopping on his way home from work to get some for me. And because he's hot.  
        7. Lorelai Gilmore... well, Amy Sherman Palladino, for creating and writing the character of Lorelai Gilmore. She was perfect the first 5 seasons.  
        8. The doctors at my OB office for finally telling me that I can't get pregnant with the ovarian cysts, and gave me an actual solution, instead of a temporary fix. (crossing fingers for no more pain!!)
        9.  Gov. Andrew Cuomo for trying to legalize medicinal marijuana in New York.  The plant was put on this earth for a reason, and I don't mean to get high, but to help heal people, safely. 
        10. My friends, the few, but true women in my life who I can always rely on to chat with, drink with and vent to, no matter what.  And it goes both ways.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Day Twenty Two

"A month/year of your life when you were happiest and why?"

        End of July/August 2008 and End of April/May 2011, and of course, the day my son was born. 

        July 26, 2008 was the day I finally left Binghamton, aka the Vale, after almost three years, and moved back home.  Now I do not regret moving there.  Moving down there and getting outside of my comfort zone was a huge and wonderful learning experience for me, but I was lonely, and depressed, and after my sons father and I broke up, I needed to be free of it.  
        The last year I was there, I felt like there was this invisible device keeping me there, kind of like that Stephen King novel, Under the Dome.  No matter how badly I wanted to get out, I couldn't.  I think we all know by now I'm not a huge people person.  I'm shy and socially awkward and get very nervous in new social situations and end up saying the most embarrassing things. So, the only people I knew in Binghamton were my son's fathers family, and a few people I met at BCC, but because of my lack of ...outgoingness, I didn't make many real friends.  Luckily for me, one of those people from BCC also went to the same daycare and our kids were in the same class and we ended up becoming my best friend. Katie was the only thing that kept me going (besides Dylan) my last year in that city.  She is still one of my best friends to this day, even though we rarely get to see each other.  If it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't have survived that last year.  Leaving was something I needed to do, but I still miss her and think about her every day.  
        April 20, 2011 was the day I met my fiance, Matt. We'd met through Facebook through mutual friends, a friend I went to High school with, and her now husband, is Matt's best friend. I guess Matt had seen my picture on my friend page and said I was cute. I can't remember who friended who first, but I do remember it took him a while before he finally sent me a message and gave me his number. I sent him a text message later that day, and we texted for a few days before finally meeting.  
        I remember meeting him for the first time like it was yesterday.  He'd just gotten out of work and thought he looked a mess, but I just remember his smile. That smile made me melt inside, and still does today.  We got into his car and it smelled like cigars, so I asked if he smoked them.  He laughed and I was so embarrassed after he was like uhm no.  I looked up and saw one of those yellow trees you hang from the rear view mirror that said Vanilla, and noticed he smoked cigarettes.  It must have been the vanilla/cigarette combo.  
        Our first date was on a Wednesday.  We went to McArdles. I ordered a cheeseburger I couldn't eat because I was so nervous. I think I only took about two bites of it, then devoured the rest when I got home.
        We went out again that Friday with our friends. We were pretty much inseparable after that. May 1st is our official anniversary, until we finally get married. Maybe we'll do it on May 1st sometime in the future, who knows.  
        But until that happens, those days/times were the best of my life ... so far.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Day Twenty One

"What does your favorite t-shirt look like?"

        This is an easy one. I don't have many t-shirts.  I really need to get more...

Monday, January 20, 2014

Day Twenty

"What do you think makes a person beautiful?"

        Not necessarily their face, or at least, not their face alone.  Because it can be gone in an instant. Do you remember poor Katie Piper's acid attack?
        It was a horrific thing to be done, but unfortunately, other things besides acid can do some pretty serious damage, like car accidents or random acts of violence.
        However, a pretty face means nothing when you have an ugly heart.
        What I think makes a person beautiful is a having kind, loving heart.  Being understanding and sympathetic.  Having a deep quality. Being focused on what's really important in life, not looks or things or money, but people and animals, and kindness and generosity.
        If you are shallow, materialistic, self obsessed, narcissistic, and selfish, you are one of the ugliest human beings alive, and not just in my eyes, but in the entire worlds eyes.

        But hey, hindsight, right?
        So, if you want to be beautiful, be a good person.  Do good things.  Not only will other people like you, you'll feel good about yourself.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Day Nineteen

"What are your thoughts on your family?"

        Oh, boy.  Well ... 

However ... 

        Nuff said. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Day Eighteen

"Why did you decide to make a blog, and why do you still have it?"

        I actually have multiple blogs.
        My author blog.
        My personal blog.
        And this blog, a brand new blog I started this year.
        I started this blog, a year long challenge, to keep myself writing every single day, even if it's only a few paragraphs, sentences, or even words.  Being a writer, it is very important to write every single day.  The past year, I haven't been writing very much.  I feel like I've lost my ... mojo, for lack of a better term, and I need to get it back.  I've been far too distracted by the inconvenience of reality, the mundane day to day monotonous way of living, and I am sick of it.  I am a writer.  It's one of the only jobs in the world that allows you to spent 95% of your time living in a fictional world and speak to fictional people.

        The reason I made this blog was to make sure I write every single day (or in cases like illness or hospitalization like this week, two blog posts in one day...)
        I started my author blog (link above) to help promote my work, to write about other books I've read, and to network with other authors and gain contacts in the writing community.  Unfortunately, I don't update that blog any where near often enough.  I should probably start doing that, at least once a month.  I will make that a new goal.
        My personal blog was started as a way for me to vent about the stupid drama that goes on in my life because, as I've stated in previous blog posts, I have a hard time forming words when dealing with confrontation.  I write better than I talk.  I always have and I probably always will, at least for the foreseeable future.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Day Seventeen

"Who is your idol and why?"

        I don't really have an "idol" per se.  I don't follow any sect of organized religion because I'm not a big fan of the whole "Do what I say or I'll hurt you!" philosophy.  I am a spiritual person, but the universe is way too complex for us to understand, and while I am not denying the existence of a "God" (using that term loosely for lack of a better), I don't think human beings have fully grasped that ideology yet.
        However, I think there are many good people in the world who do good things and I wouldn't say I "idolize" them, but I do see them in a way in which I believe them to be genuinely good people and I would like to be good in a similar way.

        J.K. Rowling

        Ricky Gervais

        Paul Newman 
        Those are all famous people, the ones we can see and hear about.  I also think very highly of:
       Teachers, especially Special Education Teachers.  I worked as an aid for about six months, and I remember how hard it was.  Being a teacher is not easy, especially with all of the problems kids have these days .
        Paramedics, nurses, doctors, and anyone who works with the sick or disabled and truly wants to help them.
        Nursing home workers.  Elderly people need help and in order to work in a nursing home, you have to really want to help people.  I cannot imagine that being an easy job.
        Those who work with people with mental and/or physical disabilities.  Props my friend.  Serious virtual high fives.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Day Sixteen

"Who is the one person you trust the most?"

        I don't just have one person that I trust the most.  Being able to trust someone is one of the most important qualities I look for in every relationship.  So, all of the people closest to me are the ones I trust the most.  My fiance, my girlfriends, and my family.  It's not very many people, but my philosophy for any person in my life is quality over quantity.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Day Fifteen

"Name a song that makes you cry, and why?" 

       I already listed all of the songs that make me cry in the previous post, "Day 8: Name something that make you sad."  However, here are the top two songs that always makes me cry, no matter how many times I've heard them.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Day Fourteen

"Write about something you believe in, if anything at all." 

I believe in ...

Monday, January 13, 2014

Day Thirteen

"What is your favorite quote?"

        Oh boy.  That's hard for me because I have SO MANY. I LOVE QUOTES.  Quotes are like heroin to me. 
        I guess, if I have to choose, I'll give you a list of my top favorites, in no particular order.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Day Twelve

"What is the best advice you've ever been given?"

        Don't get married.
        Well, don't get married before you're 28.
        Now, everyone is different.  Every relationship is different.  I know a few couples who did get married before they we're 20 and they're still happily married with 2 1/2 kids and a dog and the whole package.  However, I know more people who ended up divorced before they hit the two year mark.  The odds are not in your favor.
        The divorce rate for young couples is more than twice the national average.
        Not getting married when I was 22 was the best decision I ever made.  I wasn't ready.  I'm not saying you shouldn't get married because if it's right for you, then it's right for you.  The only thing I ask is that you make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.  Not because you're knocked up or because you feel obligated.  But because you really love that person and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, because that's what a marriage is supposed to be.  Too many people who get married only focus on one thing; the wedding.  And while the wedding is special and is a day you will remember, it's not the most important part of your marriage.  It's only one day out of the next 50, 60, 70 years.  In order for a marriage to work, you have to remember that.
        I don't like being the center of attention so getting married still terrifies me.  Matt has been married before and I have not, and he's told me that he wants to "do it right this time."  But I have to be honest, I'd rather go down to the court house and do it in front of the Justice of the Peace with only a few people there.  I don't want to walk down the aisle and have all these people staring at me.  The sheer thought of it scares me.
        Here's a good list of things to do instead, if you're thinking of getting engaged or married in your early twenties.  Just think about it.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Day Eleven

"Name a couple of your biggest pet peeves."

        When people come into my home and tell me I'm cleaning it wrong.

        Shut the fuck up.
        Get the fuck out.
        Do it yourself.
        Do not come into my house and point out the one thing I didn't do, because I didn't find it necessary, and tell me that I need to do it.  I'm not sorry the cobwebs on the light fixture aren't my top priority, nor is the dust in the far back corner on top of the book shelf, nor is what's sitting on my fiance's computer desk because that's his stuff and I don't want to get yelled at again for moving something.

        I do not clean my house to please you, I clean my house because I don't want bugs or cat hair all over the place and because I want to make my home as nice as possible for my family, but I don't use your standards of clean, I use MY standards of clean, and my house IS FUCKING CLEAN. It's not PERFECT or IMMACULATE or anything remotely close to being posh, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I do things.
        A few other pet peeves include:

        Your grammar.  {Not you're, which is a contraction of "you are"}
        Constantly being without transportation and feeling trapped in my own home.
         I have more, I just can't think of any at the moment.  I'm sure as soon as someone does something to annoy me, I will update this post. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Day Ten

"What you think when you hear the words “be yourself”?"

(unless it's a bootleg of the new Hobbit movie...)

        I have no idea.  I think that phrase is slightly vague, people say it all the time, but when you step back and really think about it, you get all existential and being to wonder "Who the fuck am I?" 
        It has the right sentiment about it, but deep down, do any of us really know who we are?  Every day we learn new things and gain knowledge we didn't have before so we are ever changing and ever growing, so how can I be "myself" when "myself" continues to change?  Who is this "myself" that I am supposed to be? 
        So, what I think when I hear the words, 'be yourself', is "Is that really the best advice you can give?"
        Give me something better. 

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Day Nine

"Name a few things that make you happy."


  • My son. Always
  • Music {unless it makes me sad}
  • Coffee 
  • Gilmore girls
  • Sunshine
  • Road Trips
  • Stargazing
  • My fiance
  • The color purple.
  • Wine.

  • Books
  • Writing
  • Imagining and creating characters and plot lines and allegories

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Day Eight

"Name a few things that make you sad."

        Really?  Sigh.  Okay.
        There is no need for further explanation.
        Certain songs.
        Some examples include:
When my son is sad.
My fiance being on the road.
And snow...

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Day Seven

"Name a show or a movie that has changed you, and how."
        That ... is a hard question.  While I love reading and writing, I also love movies and TV.  Netflix becomes my best friend on days when it's too cold to check the mail, or when I'm not feeling well.
        I have so many favorite shows; Sherlock, Modern Family, The Simpsons, Vampire Diaries, Reign, How I met your Mother, the Big Bang Theory, the new Dracula on NBC, The UK Version of the Office, Derek, and more, I just can't think of them at the moment.  But there are two shows, two completely different types of genres, that I have have a massive impact on my life.
        Gilmore girls

        And Doctor Who.
        Now, I know what you're thinking.  WHOA, one fast paced witty dramedy and one seriously clever epic science fiction show.

        A lot of people don't understand my love and obsession with Gilmore girls.  It's the only show in the world that I can watch over and over again, and never get sick of it. People say "I don't like this show because no one is that quick witted in real life."  Well, it's a good thing it's a FICTIONAL TV SHOW then!

        It bothers me that people say that about a show like Gilmore girls, and then they go watch shows like Star Trek or Doctor Who or The Walking Dead.  Don't people understand what fiction means?  None of those shows could ever happen either, so why does something like the quick wittedness of Gilmore girls bother you?  Especially if you watch shows like Doctor Who or Sherlock! Both of those shows are quick and clever and normally always throw you for a loop, or leave you shocked.  Sherlock faked his own death, come on now!
        A part of me thinks that people wish they were that quick and that witty, because a lot of television now a days has become very quick witted and clever.  Gilmore girls is the king of pop culture references and I don't think I know anyone who actually know what much pop culture.  There have been times when I've had to Google what they were talking about.

        But Gilmore girls is funny, and never fails to make me feel better when I'm sick or sad or lonely or just needing to escape reality for a while, or forever, I'm good with either.  And just because you don't understand something, doesn't mean it's wrong. 
        Now, Doctor Who on the other hand... is the most epic, wonderful fairy tale you could ever imagine.
        Imagine if a man (or a woman...) fell out of the sky in a blue box that's bigger on the inside, told you it was not only a space ship, but a time machine, and wanted you to travel with him.
        You would be crazy to say no.
        It's also emotionally gripping, can make you cry your eyes out and Steven Moffat loves to mind fuck you.  Hard.
        My all time favorite episode is Vincent and The Doctor, because the end of that episode made me so hysterical, I had to pause it in parts just so I could calm down.  My son was looking at me like I was insane, and asked "Mommy, why are you crying?"

        I felt like I could relate to this interpretation of Van Gogh. Mind you, I watched this episode just weeks before entering the psychiatric facility at Strong Hospital, so you can kind of understand why this hit me so hard.
        I know that some people hate Steven Moffat (head writer), but I think he is brilliant and wonderful and even though he is surely a sociopath, he is also a fucking genius.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Day Six

"If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? And why?"

        Oh, so many things. 
        I'm an American, all we ever want to do is change our selves, thinking it fixes us somehow. That it makes us better human beings to get bigger boobs and less wrinkles.
        I would like to do then one thing every woman alive in the country wants, and that is to lose weight.  

        However, the difference between myself and most other women is that I actually need to lose weight to be healthy.  If you go to your doctor and he tells you that you're healthy at the weight you are, then you do not need to lose weight.  It's really that simple.  
        "But OMG I wear a size 8! It's socially unacceptable to be anything more than a size 2!" (...welcome to American society)
        Whoever told you this, what ever fashion magazine that uses way too much Photoshop to make their models look taller and thinner gave you that idea, is a fucking moron.  And they're wrong.  

        I understand that some people have a genetically predisposition to be very thin and I know some girls who try to gain weight and can't.  It's a medical problem, sometimes caused by hyperthyroidism. But in my head, when girl talks about wanting to be a size 0, all I can think is why?  Zero isn't a number.  Zero literally means nothing. Why would anyone want to be nothing? 
        I would like to be healthy.  Physically and mentally.  
        I would also like to be able to speak.  
        I don't mean that I can't talk, but in certain situations, I shut down and don't say a word. In any kind of confrontation or argument, I just stop talking.  I think of things I want to say, but I can't say them.  It's like the connection between my brain and my mouth turns off under pressure and I can't form words.  It is incredibly frustrating and I hope that one day I will be able to say what I want to say without being afraid of the consequences.  And I don't mean saying things I will regret or that are hurtful, but just... be able to say what I need to say.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Day Five

"Name something you want to change or have changed about the world."

        Poverty. Famine. Human trafficking. The fact that it's easier to buy a gun than it is to get mental health care. {"You don't need therapy or anti-depressants! Just go buy a gun and blow your brains out!"} The current financial situation the United States is in. One percent of the population owns and controls 99% of the nations money? That's a problem. {Note: I don't know what the actual numbers are, but I do know that the top 1% has more than everyone else, and way more than they actually need.}
        Please don't misunderstand me. I am all for hard work and earning living wages, but the problem is that a lot of people don't make enough to live on, even when said job is really fucking hard. {I never did, even with an A.A.S degree. Hell, I know more people who didn't go to college who make more money that I ever made.}
        Daycare is also not cheap. In a two parent household, sometimes one parent only works to pay for daycare, which is totally pointless if you ask me. You might as well just stay home and spend time with your kid if your wages are that low.  Or, work part time and have your child in daycare part time, so you have a chance to get out of the house and be with people your own age, and your child gets used to a classroom atmosphere and gets to socialize with people their own age. But only if the benefits out weigh the costs. 
       I personally believe that daycare should be like public schools, paid for with taxes, or free completely, because then more single parents would be able to work and use their money for rent, clothes, food, etc, and less people would be on benefit programs like HUD or SNAP or Cash Assistance {which are also funded by taxes!}.  
        Rent is not cheap either {even where we live, and the next step down from a trailer is a cardboard box}.  Don't get me wrong, this place was cheaper than any other place we looked at, but because we live in the suburbs {the inner city is pretty dangerous} in a town, there are more taxes and everything is slightly more expensive than if we lived in the city.
        That being said, and as much as I want things like famine and human trafficking to end, I would also like everyone alive -  not just in the US, but the entire world - who is able to work, to be able to find a job that pays them a living wage. I am aware that NYS has just raised minimum wage to $8 an hour, which is a step in the right direction, however, $8 an hour is not a living wage.  If you worked 40hrs a week at $8 an hour, that is $320, BEFORE taxes.  $1,280 a month before taxes.  After taxes, you're probably only looking at $800-$900 a month.  Last time I checked, most apartments cost around that, some even more. How is someone supposed to LIVE on that? Especially when most CEO's make $20K AN HOUR.  
        Things need to change. People need to stop hoarding money. Stop the belief that money is more valuable than human life. Because it's not. Money is nothing more than a necessary evil we need to live in the world.  
        I just wish there were another way ... 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Day Four

"How do you think your life would change if you achieved your dream?"

        Well, technically, I have already achieved my dream, and that dream was to be published.
        However, what was published was not a big novel, or the book I've been writing for the past 8 years. It was a short story, published in an anthology with six other authors and their stories. It was something that was completely unexpected and amazing and exciting, and it only happened because for the first time in many, many years, I was brave. I took a risk. I made an attempt to ask a fellow writer who runs a small publishing company with a few other people if they accepted submissions.
        They don't.
        But luckily enough, she was willing to read the story to see if it was something they would be interested in, and sure enough, she emailed me back and said she wanted it.
        I cried.  Tears of happiness and shock and "holy shit, is this really happening?"
        So a short story that I wrote, based off a really weird, cool dream while I was visiting my best friend in Binghamton, was published in October 2013 by 7DS Books, in an anthology called Linger.

(do you see my name?!?!)

        Having this story published has changed my life by opening a lot of doors for me.  Many publishing companies won't even look at you if you've never been published before.
        Now I can put on my resume that I have been published.
        And that is truly amazing.
        Of course, my next dream is to publish a full size novel. My problem is that I am currently working on too many stories (because I have too many kick ass ideas, curse you, imagination!) and my mind is so jumbled on all the ideas, that I am having a hard time focusing to actually finishing one.  The Aubrey Nightingale Series has been my "book of the heart" and I attempted to self publish the first part of it in 2012.  It probably wasn't the best idea because it was not edited professionally (that shit's EXPENSIVE, and way out of my price range right now).
        And the book was never supposed to be a "series" or split into parts.
        "Aubrey Nightingale" was one book.  One big, beautiful novel with no sequels or prequels because, let's face it, EVERYTHING is a freaking trilogy.  Sometimes, it is necessary to go back to one book stories, because 3 or 4 or 16 books about the same characters in the same universe is just too many.
        My plan is to finally finish this book, take it off Amazon as self published, and even though I might have to change the names and the title, I'll do it right this time.
        My foot is already in the door, all I have to do now is push it open.
        I know my life will change when that book is published, but in all honesty, I have no idea how.  Maybe I'll finally become financially self sufficient.  Maybe I can buy a house for my family.  Maybe I'll go on the Ellen show because that's the only show I'd ever agree to go on (because Ellen is fucking awesome.)  Or maybe, I will just be happy that after all these years, I'm finally able to share with the world a piece of literature I've put my heart, my soul and even some blood into, and that would be enough for me.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Day Three

"What do you think your reason for being here is?"

        Wow.  That's a very obscure question, and a difficult one to answer.
        First, define here.  Here as in New York State? Here as in the mobile home I currently live in? Here as in the world? The Universe?
        There are so many angles in which I could answer this question.
        I will start with the easiest one; Why am I here, living in a mobile home, in a trailer park? Because I'm some-kind-of-trashy-folk with no front teeth, who drinks beer out of a paper bag and collects cats.
        I'm just kidding.  Silly stereotypes ... 
        In all honesty, the trailer we live in isn't that bad. The lack of insulation sucks in the winter, the aluminium frame makes it too hot in the summer, the furnace likes to stop working sometimes (but it always again works after a reset), and the price of propane is killing us, but other than that, we don't have any real problems with this place. It's a roof over our heads, with electricity and heat, and even pretty decent luxuries like television, computers, and internet.
        The reason we chose a trailer park was because my fiance hated apartment living.  He hated having neighbors on top of you and below you and right next to you, and I understood that. But our credit wasn't the best at the time, so buying a house wasn't an option, so we decided to look at this place. The price was right and it's located in a decent neighborhood in the suburbs. It was out of my old neighborhood and into a new, fresh start.
        This was 2 years ago, and now we're thinking about moving again, to the other side of the city because the whole furnace thing is really starting to drive us nuts, and we're cold.  And because our best friends live over there and it would be nice to have them closer because we're hermits who don't like going out and meeting new people.  We like the ones we have, thank you very much. 
        Now to answer the more obscure side to the question; Why am I here, as in Why do I exist?  What is my purpose for being alive, at this time, on this planet, living this particular life?
        Well, I could say that I'm here because my parents decided to have sex at a certain time on a certain day, and my sperm won!  Nine months later I was born, given my common name and handed over to my parents to psychologically mind fuck me until the day they die.  That's a biological answer, and although it is true, I know it's not the answer you're looking for.
        I have to be completely honest with you; I don't know.
        I have no fucking idea why I am alive or what my "purpose" in life is. But what I do know is that, whatever I do in this life, however I choose to live my life, regardless of what other people think or believe or how they live their lives, is what makes my life meaningful.
        What I do know is that there is a difference between living and existing.
        Some people just exist. Go through the motions of daily routine and think that's it, this is my life. And for some people, that's okay.
        But that is never what I wanted. I want to do things that most people are afraid to do. I want to bend the rules and even break a few. I want to be brave and strong and see the world up close and understand different cultures and live for a year in a tribal community in Africa and learn how they live and maybe even teach them how American's live, knowing that I will be mocked and laughed at, and then even laugh at myself.
        I've always wanted to help people. Making other people happy has always made me happy. But most jobs that involve helping people don't pay enough to live on, especially when you have a kid.
        I want to teach my kid that there are more important things in life besides money and things. And that being kind is more important than being right.
        So, I guess, my reason for being here is to make one, and make it great.  There is no magical answer from an invisible fairy on the sky. As far as we know, we only live once, and since I can't actually remember any past or future life, I am going to assume that's true. You don't have to be rich or famous to be great, you just have to be kind. Because regardless of how much money you have, eventually, we all end up dead, and you can't take your money or your things with you. But other people can take their memories with them, and memories become stories, and stories become legends, and legends become myth, and wouldn't that be so cool if in a thousand years from now, someone remembers the kindest, most selfless person in all of history (because you know how stories always get blown out of proportion after that much time) and through stories, you really can live forever.  
        I'd rather be remembered for my kindness and generosity than for all that money I laundered illegally for the corporation I worked for, back in the days when people worshiped money and possessions, instead of valuing human life.  
        But, that's just me.