Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Day 50

"What are three words or sayings you can’t go a day without using?"

        I'm going to pick 3 sayings, because there aren't many one words I use daily besides "like", which I hate myself for saying all the time.  I watch interviews with kids from my generation and younger and every other word out of there mouth is "like", and it makes me want to strangle them.
        Three phrases I cannot go a day without saying are:

"I'm sorry."  
        I have a bad habit of apologizing for everything. Literally, everything.
        "It's raining outside," My fiance will say, just as an observation.
        "I'm sorry," I say.
        I'll bump into the dining room chair and apologize to it, like I hurt an inanimate object.  It's a habit I know I need to break.
        I read an article online that listed 23 things every women should stop doing. I was guilty for almost all of them.
        My best friend from Binghamton, Katie, told me while I was down there visiting a few years ago that I apologize for nothing whenever I was around another person down there.  She told me a story about her sister, who never apologizes for anything, and instead said, "Oh, well..." and brushes it off.  Katie suggested that I start doing that because there was absolutely nothing for me to be sorry for.  When in my head, I feel like I'm just apologizing for being alive.

"I'm okay/fine." 

        This is one of those things I've been programmed to say over the years, whether it be true or not, (mostly not), but sometimes it's easier to just say I'm fine than trying to explain what's wrong, especially when you have a hard time finding the words to tell someone what is wrong.  Sometimes, it's something stupid, like a person says something that hurt my feelings but I'm too much of a coward to tell them it hurt.
        Other times, it can be something serious like, "I'm feeling really depressed and lonely and feeling like hurting myself again."  I don't like to tell people that one because 1, I know it stresses them out, 2, it causes them to worry about me when they have their own shit to worry about, and 3, I am afraid some people will think I am just looking for attention.
        Now, if you know me at all, you know that I am not in any way shape or form an attention seeker.  I hate being the center of attention and I hate drawing crowds to me.  Whenever I have or have had panic attacks, I tend to hide in a bathroom somewhere or anywhere I can be alone.  People tell me that it's okay to ask for help, but then there are times when I do, I am told I need to learn how to do shit on my own and be independent, and let shit go.  Don't you think if it were that easy for me to let shit go, I would have done it already?
"WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? SIMPLY GET THE FUCK OVER IT? SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A MEDAL, HE JUST CURED THE GOOD GODDAMN OUT OF MY ANXIETY. JESUS, GET OVER IT, WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? NOW I’LL LIVE IN A MAGICAL HOUSE MADE OUT OF SELF-DETERMINATION AND FORTITUDE, AFTER WANDERING IN THE DARKNESS FOR FAR TOO LONG. THANK YOU SIR, FOR GIVING ME MY LIFE BACK."
        And last, but certainly not least:

"I love you."
          I tell everyone important to me that I love them.  Constantly.  My friends, my family, my fiance, and especially my son.  We even do the ASL sign for it whenever we can't hear each other, like when he's on the bus on his way to school, or in the car, leaving for weekend to visit his father and grandparents.
        This is not something I take lightly, nor do I just say out of habit. I want to make sure that everyone I love knows that I love them and they are important and matter. Especially my son. I never want a day to go by without him knowing how much I love him and how much his existence, even when times are tough and he drives me crazy or I drive him crazy, matters and has helped me to be strong when I feel like I have no strength left.

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