Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Day Forty Two {or 42, which is also the answer to life}

"How's that existential crisis coming along?"

        If you don't know me very well, or haven't been around me, and don't care enough to read what I post on Facebook or Twitter... I have been experiencing a bit of an existential crisis for the past few weeks.
        I was reading an article on Huffington Post titled, "19 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Turned 20 So I Didn't Waste a Decade."
        The numbers that stuck out the most for me were:
2. Know who the fuck you are. {I'm 29 and still trying to figure that out...}
9. The world you live in is sick.
11. You are not responsible for the actions of those who hated themselves so much that they hurt you on purpose.
19. You are inherently valuable.
        I know there are quite a few of them that I felt I could relate to.  I already knew about number 9, but I learned that fairly recently (within the past couple years), but I just wish I had learned it much earlier on in life, so when I went out into the world at 20-25, I wasn't so thrown by it.  I think it would have saved me a lot of unnecessary anxiety and I probably would have dealt with things a lot better.
        The one that probably had the biggest effect on me was number 11. I don't like to get too deep into the serious graphic details of my personal life online, or at least the ones that have potential to dig up old wounds for other people {because they affect more than just me}, because I'm very non confrontational, and I don't want the wrong person to read it and then I end up getting a phone call that starts the first battle of a war I am not ready to fight yet.
        But recently, things from my past have made their way back into my mind.  Things I truly believed I had already dealt with a long time ago.  But how does a teenager deal with things?  The only way a teenage mind can, and I don't think it's completely thorough.  Now that I am almost thirty, I feel like maybe I didn't deal with them the way I was supposed to.  Because it's starting to effect my life and my relationships and the way I think about everything.
        A couple a days ago, I read another article online from a Facebook link that was a trigger for flashbacks for what happened to me as a child because it was almost the same thing.  After I read the article, I read all the comments underneath the FB post, and almost every single one of them said the same exact thing; "Where were the parents?!"
        This got me thinking a lot.  I had very little supervision as a child/preteen/teenager.  My parents were more permissive and uninvolved, as far as parenting styles go.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life angry and blaming my parents for everything that is wrong with me because, like I said, I'm almost 30 and it's time to let shit go...
        But there are times I do wish they would own up to the fact that some things were their fault because they weren't around, or because they were too caught up in their own lives to pay attention.
        I am not angry anymore... but I am confused, and I feel like I don't understand... but sometimes when I think I do understand, and my reason is valid, I don't like the answer to the 'why'... because, in all honestly, all I did was be born.  I feel like all I can do is accept it and try to move on.  Because at this point, I can't ask questions.  I will never get that peace of mind. I can either go on obsessing, or I can learn how to let it go.
        I was never taught how to handle stressful situations, or how to let stuff go and move on and be better.  When something bad happens, in my head, it's the end of the world and it can never be fixed and life as we knew it is over and I should just go kill myself now.
        Yeah... that's Jess' logic for you.  
        In hind sight, I know that the car needing to get a new tire {thanks potholes!!} and an alignment or the furnace "breaking" {or not breaking, but it wouldn't turn on, so we called the heating guys to come look at it, but then it turned on and was fine, but we still had to pay them $$$ for NOTHING} or my cat having crystals in his bladder that make it really hard for him to urinate, are not the end of the world.  But they are stressful, and what makes it worse is that we rarely have enough money to fix anything when shit like that happens.
       Everything happens at once.  This winter has been nothing but one crappy thing happening after another, and I just need it to give a little.
        I have been the victim of other peoples hatred of themselves or their situations projected onto me for way too long and I have to say I don't want to be a victim anymore. I am so sick of it.  I just want to move on and let everything go and have a happy life with my new family that I made for myself.  But those ideas are so foreign to me... I feel like I don't even know what a happy life or a happy family is.  I never had it... not saying my whole life was horrible and full of hate, but a lot of it was.  My parents hated each other, and someone else really hated me for no other reason except that I was born.  At least, that is the conclusion I get based on the evidence I have.
        Everyone says experiences like these make you stronger and better and help you grow, and that children are resilient.  Looking back at myself as a child, I don't think I was resilient. I think being resilient is something our parents teach us how to be.  I wish I were more resilient.  I wish I knew the answers to so many questions.  I let all of this, everything that happened from the time I was born until now, bring me down so far and so low, that I'm afraid of people.  I'm afraid of the world and the idea of work because work means confrontation and dealing with stressful situations, and it's such utter bullshit that I've allowed the rest of the world get to me like this.
       And I've become so lonely and isolated, I want to kick myself in the ass, because I did this to myself.  I made all of these choices.  I chose to let this bother me, I chose to move to an isolating place without a car, I chose to let others peoples opinions define me.  I could have been stronger and had higher self esteem and self worth and confidence and told every single one of those people exactly what I needed to say to them, but I was too afraid.
        I don't want to be afraid anymore.  I don't want to question my worth or my value or whether or not I deserve to live.
        Because I am worthy and I am invaluable and I do deserve it.  I am good enough for my kid.  I am good enough for Matt.  I am good enough for everyone.

No comments:

Post a Comment