Monday, March 31, 2014

Day 90

        I don't understand why people always want to bring you down, whether intentionally or not.  What might seem like a "realistic" point of view for you, doesn't mean it is for me.
        This weekend I was told, by someone I really don't have a high regard for their option anyway because they don't believe in dinosaurs, that having a car "won't change anything."  Now, I'm not entirely sure what this person meant by this statement.
        You live in a part of the world where it's virtually impossible to get anywhere without a car.  I live in Upstate NY.  UPSTATE NY, aka farm country.  While Rochester is a decent size city, we don't live IN the city because it's dangerous and I don't want my kid or myself to get gunned down during a drive by. Where we live, there is no underground subway or bus route that comes every 30 minutes.  A bus ride from here to the grocery store would take at least 6 hours, and that's because it only comes here twice a day.  Once in the morning and once again in the evening. And a cab ride would cost about $30, one way.
        I need a car so I can go to doctors appointments without having to rely on anyone else to bring me.  So I don't have to cancel those appointments I can't get to because my ride doesn't work out.  So I can pick my kid up from school if the school calls me and tells me he's sick.  So I can take him to the doctor.  So I have the option of leaving the house on my own schedule, not my fiance's.  So, please explain to me how me having a car "won't change anything"?
       I will have a freedom I've ever had before, and while, yes there is the possibility that I'll just get in my car one day, say fuck you to everyone in this shit hole, and drive far far away, it is my life and I can do that if I want to.
       I think people have a really hard time grasping the idea of something they've never experienced.  If it hasn't happened to them personally, or they've never lived a certain way, than obviously it can either not happen or it's not a big deal.  We take for granted what we have.  I do not, or at least I try not to.  I try to be a good person and be understanding of things, even when I have never experienced them.  I try to have an open mind about things.
       There really are some people that don't know when to keep their mouths shut because they don't know what they're talking about.  Having a car is one of 3 keys I am missing of being independent, and getting the car is the first key I need so I can get the next two.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Day 89

"How did your parents divorce affect you?"

        Well, I was seven when my parents split.  It was the summer of 1992, only a few months before my 8th birthday.  I still remember the day my mother left my father. I can't remember if it was July or August, all I remember is that my brother spent the weekend at my Aunt "Coffee's", and I went with my dad to the "cottage" on lake Ontario that my aunt owned for the weekend.  It was about an hour away from where we lived in Rochester/Brighton town line.
        The only problem was that my mother didn't tell my father she was leaving him, out of fear, but she told me.  So, the entire weekend, I wasn't supposed to tell him she was packing all out stuff and moving out when he's my dad and I was the only person with him that whole weekend, and I was absolutely fucking terrified. I was seven years old.  How do you expect a seven year old to keep a secret like that?!  I was so afraid I might slip and say something on accident, and what would he do id I did? Would he get mad at me for not telling him, or would he get in the car and drive back home and try to stop my mom from leaving?  Was I going to get into trouble if I let it slip.  I remember the entire fucking weekend, I was sick to my stomach with nerves not knowing what was going to happen.  And the drive home was horrible.  I was shaking and afraid to talk and on the verge of tears the entire time.  He kept asking me if I was okay, and I was like yup, I'm fine, even though I think I might die right here and now in your car for no apparent reason other than out of pure fear!
        When we got back home, my grandfather was there helping my mother move out.  I remember my dad getting out of the car and walking into our apartment and going "What the hell is going on?"  And my mom said, "I'm leaving you."  And they fought and yelled and my Dad started crying, begging her to stay, but she was like, nope, I have an apartment for me and the kids and that's it.
        Once we got outside and I was standing next to my grandpas car, I finally broke down crying.  But it was more out of relief that it was over and the secret was out and I wasn't responsible for the welfare of my mother anymore.
        Once we were moved in, everything was fine.  My parents still fought over the phone and whenever they had to talk or see each other, but in the long run, my parents splitting up was the best thing that could have happened... I just wished my mother hadn't put that pressure on me of telling me we were leaving but I can't tell my dad.  That was horrible and I don't wish that upon any kid, no matter how old they are.
        Having divorced parents means you get more presents on birthdays and holidays, which was always a plus.  It meant if one parent was driving you insane, you could go spend a few days with the other one, just for a break.  Even though my mother was infallible and could do no wrong, ever, growing up, so the fact that I ever wanted to see my dad was probably the worst thing I could ever do.
        For a really long time, I never felt like I was "allowed" to love my father. Because of all the wrongs he did to my mother, that means he was just so horrible and if I ever said I wanted to see him, that automatically meant that I hated my mother and she was horrible, when in reality, I just wanted a relationship with my father.
       I know my father was not perfect.  He was an abusive alcoholic, not so much physically, but emotionally, but my mother was nuts too.  They both had their flaws, the problem is that they were so set on blaming each other for everything that ever went wrong, that they couldn't see what was really important; us.  My brother and I.        Both of us were "victims" of Parental Alienation Syndrome, my mother with me about my Dad and my father with my brother about my mom.  Basically means that one parent pits a child against the other parent so they hate that parent and project their personal feelings onto the child, which the child reiterates to the other parent, IE, BRAINWASHING.
        I was also a "victim", and I use that term very loosely due to lack of a better one, of another kind of abuse that was so incredibly fucked up and ridiculous, you only hear about shit like that happening with parents who are on drugs or kids in foster care.  I will not go into those details because it's too personal to be spread around online, but even to this day, it effects me.  I've been in and out of counseling for almost 15 years and I still haven't wrapped my head around it.
        I'm glad that I have come around enough to where I'm not angry at anyone anymore, and I don't blame anyone... It's more of me being massively confused to why I was hated so much for nothing more than being born.  I don't understand why.  And I don't know if I will ever get an answer to that question.  I just wish that all the negative shit from my past would stop haunting me so I can move on and have a "normal" life.
        My parents divorce taught me that marriage is more than just a wedding.  It's something that takes a lot of work and love and respect and commitment and willingness to compromise.
       And not to get married. Ever.  Or at least not before you're 30.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Day 87

"Do you keep your thoughts to yourself?"

        Yes.  95% of the time, anyway.  Even when I'm asked to share my thoughts, I don't always like to.  
        Inside my head can be a scary place sometimes.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Day 86

"What do you love the most about your grandparents?"

        When I was a kid, I had a close relationship to my Father's parents, especially Grandma, but as I grew older, I pulled away from that side of the family because after my parents split up, there was a lot of hostility, and I am a lot more like my mother's side of the family.  
        Now, I have a closer relationship to my Mom's parents, who are funny and quirky and stubborn as fuck.  My Grandmother is the sweetest woman in the entire world.  She always has the best stories to tell and loves giving me her wedding magazines after she reads them.  My Grandfather can be a grumpy son of a bitch, but when I bring Dylan over to see him, he gets so happy and excited, he's like an entirely different person.  He loves Dylan to bits.   Every time we go over there, he gives Dylan some coins from his collection and tells him stories from when he was a boy and Dylan's like "Wait, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TV?!?!?" LOL  
        I still see my paternal Grandmother on holidays, but she is 89 years old now and has had her hips replaced and has a hard time getting around.  Her husband is not my Grandfather, but a man I always knew as "Uncle Eddie" - a family friend when my Grandpa was still alive, but my Grandma and Ed got married about a year after my Grandfather died when I was about 10.  I remember my real Grandfather being real grumpy and mean, but I was young so I don't remember much.  My Grandma recently gave us a queen size bed they no longer had use for, which was nice because our bed was only a full, so this gives us much more room.  I like my Grandma, but I never feel like I'm good enough for them.  They're the "rich" side of the family and I always feel very out of place when I'm with them.  That and I'm too much like my mother, so obviously that doesn't help...  
       The thing I love most is that they are still here and Dylan has a chance to know them.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Day 85

"Describe the weather right now."

        It's another gray, dismal day in Upstate, NY.  It's way too cold for this time of year.  We're normally in the 40's now, but nope, today we have a high of 17*.  
        It's a pale, dismal day and the sun looks like a clouded silver dollar, just waiting for the clouds to move so it can shine.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Day 83

"Triversen poem"

Cabin Fever

Winter started early this year,
in November on Thanksgiving,
and hasn't eased up since.

Arctic temperatures
and endless snow storms
that leave piles up to my waist.

The bitter cold
and icey roads
make it impossible to leave our home.

Can't even run to the liquor store
where they keep the medicine
for cabin fever.

It's been months of being stuck
inside my tiny house
with screaming kids who want to play.

Even now that Spring has come
it's still too cold to go outside
where freedom waits.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Day 82

"A trip to Barnes & Noble"

        Oh, it is a bad place for me to be.  Especially with a paid off credit card.  But Matt promised his son we'd go and get him a book this weekend.  The only thing he's struggling with in school is reading so we have set aside an hour each day on the weekends for reading.
        I consider myself very lucky that my son was reading like a pro by the time he was 4.  I remember the summer before he started pre-school, he came in my room and started reading Harold and the Purple Crayon to me, and I was blown away at his fluency and accuracy.  He knew words I didn't think four year old's could know, but there he was, reading like he'd been doing it for years.
        So, while at B&N, I did not buy anything for myself, which I was very proud of, seeing as I still have shelves of books to read at home, but I did get Dylan books for his birthday and my mom kind of a "joke" book for her birthday and Matt got a couple books.  The used book section is so overwhelming and yet so beautiful, both Matt and I were standing there like, "I want it allllll."  Drooling like Homer Simpson does over donuts.
        The bargain books will be the death of me.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Day 81

"On Judgement"

        I try very, very, very hard not to judge other people.  It is not my place and it's not my business, unless I am personally involved, or my son is involved.
        I feel like everyone has their own issues and problems, and they aren't the same as mine.  And if I were put in a situation that someone else has already experienced, I don't know how I would react until that very minute when that one thing is happening to me.  No one knows how they are going to react to certain events.  You can take a guess, or make an assumption, or even imagine that thing happening to you.  You can say "Well, this is how I would have handled it."  But you really don't know that, because it's hypothetical, not actual.
        I have been judged by so many for things I have done or the way I choose to live my life, and I have to tell you, it's really unfair.  Because unless you have personally experienced anything remotely close to what I have experienced, then you don't know what it's like to be me.  Just like I don't know what it's like to be you.
        People say stupid things out of anger.  I have said and done many stupid things out of anger.  I wish I could go back in time and take it back.  Go back and not say the stupid thing or not do the thing that hurt the person I loved.  But all you can do is learn from your past, and try to make things right, now.
       I know that I am far from perfect, and I have never claimed to be, but I am trying my best with what I have, and with what I know.
       I think - and hope - we all are.
       One thing I know is that, most of the time, it is better to be kind than it is to be right.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Day 80

"If you could have any 3 things in the world right now, what would they be?"

1. A counselor.  A consistent female certified LMHC, Ph.D or not, who understand me, can help me, and who accepts my crappy insurance.
2.  A car, so I can go to counseling like I am supposed to.
3.  For my best friend to be in a better situation, physically and emotionally. For her to be happy and healthy and stress free.  For her to live a bit closer to me so we can actually see each other, but mostly, I just want her situation to be better... and I wish I could help her.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Day 79

"International Happiness Day!" 

        I am happy today because it's finally spring, even though it's still snowing, but it means that SOON there will be sunshine and flowers and green grass and trees and birds and bees (only down side...) and SUNSHINE AND WARMTH AND I CAN PLANT MY GARDEN AND GO OUTSIDE AGAIN. OMG I AM SO EXCITED!
        I could never survive in Alaska.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Day 78

"What do you hope your life will be like in 10 years?"

       My memoir is not entitled "My Miserable Life", however, this comic is spot on.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Day 77

"What distracts you the most from writing/getting shit done?" 

        My brain, mostly.  The fogginess inside my head.  I feel like I've lost my mojo again.  It could be due to a cold/allergies/changes of the season.  This time of year for upstate New York is a bit of a roller coaster - one day it's 8* and the next it's 45*.  One day it's a clear blue, sunny day and the next it's a gray and dismal.
        Also, the internet.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Day 76

"What is your favorite new fashion/trend?" 

        Although, I'd probably never wear anything considered, I do like this new "steampunk" trend.  I mostly like the jewelry and keys I keep seeing on Pinterest/Etsy.  I also like stories and the new Dracula on NBC is very steampunk - 1800 Victorian era meets cool technology.  Some of the clothes are pretty, but some of it is also a bit extreme for me.  But the fact that they can take something so simple, like a key or a light bulb, and make it into something so beautiful is what really draw me into the trend.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Day 74

"September Baby"

{Picture missing}

        I like the "less limiting point of view" part.
        On a totally different note...
        Today, I took my aunt to the grocery store again.  As we were packing the groceries in the car, a woman approached us with tears in her eyes and said she meant no disrespect, but she only had 50 cents, and she wanted a sandwich.  She didn't want money, just a sandwich.  I don't carry cash, and I didn't have a sandwich, but I did have some chicken fingers from the hot foods and an extra Powerade, so I gave them to her and told her I hoped they helped.  I wish I could have given her more, but everything else I had needed to be cooked and I didn't know if she was homeless or what her situation was.  I wanted to help the woman, and if I did have cash, I would have given her some.  I know it wasn't much, but I really hope that woman turns out okay.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Day 73

Random Acts of Kindness

        Random acts of kindness are my favorite thing in the entire world.  Especially when I am the one able to perform them.
        One of my best friends in the entire world is going through a bit of a struggle in her life. So today I sent her an e-gift card so she could get what she needed and be a little less stressed with her situation.  It wasn't much, but it was something, and this woman is like family to me.  She is one of six people I'd do just about anything for, including giving her my left kidney if need be.
        Something I have realized over many, many years is that I truly love to make other people happy.  I like giving them something they don't expect, but something they need, and seeing their reaction is priceless.  So, really, it's all for selfish purposes.  I do it to feel good.  It's a win win.
        I wish I could find a job where I could do this. Go around helping people in need, like Ellen does, and I don't even mind being anonymous as long as someone records their reaction.  Maybe I'm selfish that way, but it's very cathartic to see a person who really deserves a break get one.  It's healing to the soul.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Day 72

"Tell us about your college experience.  Was it worth it?"


        The experience of going to college and growing up away from home (but not too far) and learning and having amazing experiences with new friends, and old, was absolutely, one hundred percent worth it.  Any way of educating yourself and thinking outside the box and realizing that school doesn't always have to suck is worth trying.  High school sucks for a lot of people and college is generally a more positive experience.  I am completely pro learning and thinking critically and really just expanding the knowledge you already have, and learning things you never knew existed.  Going to college can open your mind into a brand new world that is amazing.  It's not easy, but it's a learning experience that is truly worth it.  (Even if you don't graduate.  You still have the knowledge you learned, and that's what really matters.)

        However, it was not worth the $32,000 in student loan debt I cannot afford to pay back, when all I wound up with was an associate degree in "Individual Studies", and 3 semesters into my bachelors of failing hard.

        I think it's appropriate to say that some college is not for everyone.
        Community college was good for me because of my issues - my untreated ADD and anxiety disorder. But when I started at SUNY Brockport, it was like a giant slap in the face.  At FLCC and BCC (yes, I transferred community colleges because I had a baby in the middle and moved) I got A's and B's in all my psych and sociology courses.  When I was a music major, I got A's and B's in that too.  But as soon as I started at a 4yr university and was taking upper level courses (300 and 400 level), I started failing, and I mean failing hard.
        It had been about 2 1/2 years after I graduated from BCC in 2007 when I started Brockport, so I knew it was an adjustment.  I thought I studied enough and read the text and forced myself to pay attention during lectures, however, I ended up with low test grades.  My professors said, Don't worry, it's just a test, but those tests are what determine your final grade.  How can I not worry about constant D's and F's?
        Parts of my college experience were positive, and others were wake up calls that told me I wasn't cut out for four year university.  I wish I could go back and finish my Bachelor's degree, however, I do not think that will happen... at least not any time soon.
        But at least I was brave enough to try.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Day 71

"Snow Day!" 

        Today, my son stayed home from school watching MineCraft YouTube videos and switching to actually playing the game, because of Vulcan.  The evil blizzard that has left us with almost two feet of snow and soon to come, another round of arctic temperatures I loathe so very much.
        I like when Dylan has snow days because we can stay home and have our own little day to spend time together, but I hate snow.  I hate winter.  I seriously need to move.  
        Of course, it's going to be almost 50* on Friday so most of the snow will melt, but still... I had to shovel in this shit.  THREE TIMES.
        So over it.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Day 70

"What is something you have always wondered?"

        What it's like to be a man.  

        If it were possible, I'd like to be a man for one day and experience life through their eyes and mind.  I think it would help everyone if it were possible to see and feel the way the opposite sex does.  It would give us an insight even psychologists and doctors don't know, because somethings need to be experienced in order to truly understand them.  

Monday, March 10, 2014

Day 69

"Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?"

        Neither, really.  I think it's a sign that we are human and we have feelings.  

        People cry for all kinds of reasons.  Sometimes it's out of sadness, but it can also be out of happiness and joy.

        Tears are a sign of emotion, and being able to feel something is one of the greatest strengths humans have.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Day 68

"If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?"

Be kind. 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Day 67

"If you had to teach something, what would you teach?"

          Grammar 101 to adolescence and children so they don't end up being an adult who spells like this:
You like "u", Ask like "ax", What like "wat/wut", This like "dis", To like "2", Love like "luv" and worst of all, THOSE WHO WRITE WITHOUT USING COMMAS OR PERIODS.  
        Commas and periods have a purpose.  They make phrases like "Let's eat Grandma!" / "Let's eat, Grandma!" make actual sense, because adding a simple comma changes the entire context of the sentence!

Friday, March 7, 2014

Day 66

"How do you feel right now?"

        I feel ... like my insides are about to explode, and my heart could stop beating at any moment, and my lungs will collapse, and my bones will break, and everything insides of me will turn into black slime, and there will be nothing left of me but a big, messy pile of Jess goo.


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Day 65

"How well are you prepared for the future?"

        I'm not even prepared for the present.  Hell, my past still haunts me! And you expect me to be prepared for shit that hasn't even happened yet?  A time I have no window to look through and know what to expect?

        I am so not even close to being prepared for the future, and I've never been.  I've never had a savings, or been taught HOW to save. I try not to dwell to much about it because anything could happen, and I don't want to freak out over shit I have no control over - I do this enough already, but most of the time it's for something I know is going to happen in the near future, like tomorrow, or next week, or next month.

        I just now realized that this weekend is Daylight Savings, so now I have to prepare to lose an hour of sleep ...

       However, that does mean the Cosmos will be on an hour earlier, and, ya know, more daylight, which I am TOTALLY okay with! I am so sick of winter.  It needs to be spring, and stay spring, forever.

        Dylan's birthday is coming up and I am semi prepared for that.  I've gotten him a few presents and we're planning to take him to the RMSC, as requested by him.

        Trying to find a car... that's been fun ...

        I have no wedding plans, or moving plans, or anything major happening in my life anytime soon ... at least, I don't think I do ...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Day 63

"How to be cleverly disguised as an adult in three easy steps." 

        1. Create a list of every single responsibility you are in charge of for yourself, your kids, your husband, your mother in-law, your pets, your co workers, etc. Including paying bills, grocery shopping, making phone calls, going to appointments, etc.

        2.  Carefully read over that list and try not to cry.

        3.  Say FUCK IT and burn the fucking list.  Then proceed to watch Netflix all day and possibly take a shower.

(Yes, I stole this picture from Hyperbole and a half ... don't judge.)

Monday, March 3, 2014

Day 62

        Anxiety is a sneaky little bastard.  Panic attacks come out of no where, and BAM, all of the sudden your heart is racing, your whole body is shaking, you can't catch your breath, and you feel like you're going to die for absolutely no reason.  And that's the hardest part - you don't know why you're feeling this way.
        And when you try to explain it to anyone, they just tell you to calm down and it's all in your head and you're fine.  Note: SAYING THIS DOES NOT HELP.  It actually makes it worse.  So don't say these things to someone who is having a panic attack.  They have NO CONTROL over what they are going through.  If you're there, and they want you to stay, just be there.  You don't have to say anything or try to fix anything, because it can't be fixed like that.
        I wish there was a logical explanation to why this happens to me.  I wish I could make it stop, for good.   Be gone. Forever.

        But for now ...

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Day 61

"What is the hardest part of being a Mom? What is the most rewarding?" 

        Oh, wow. That is a difficult question.
        I was very young when I had Dylan.  I was only 19 when I got pregnant, and 20 when I had him, but he is my only child and, from the looks of it, will probably always be.
        I remember when he was first born, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  When they brought him over to me and I saw him for the first time, and the nurse put him in my arms, I cried, tears of joy and awe and this overwhelming amount of love I never knew existed.  I never knew it was possible to love another human being that much, and one hundred percent unconditionally.  I don't think it's something any mother/parent can prepare for, either.  It's wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
        The hardest part of being a parent for me was feeling like I'm failing him in some way.  That I'm doing it all wrong and making the wrong choices and not giving him everything he deserves. I have never once put on own pride over the welfare of my child, and for that I think some people believed I was weak or like I didn't feel connected to him, when I did.  I felt 100% connected to Dylan from the moment he was born, but I was so terrified I was going to hurt hum or drop him or totally ruin his life, that I allowed other people to take over at times because I thought they knew better than I did.

        That feeling has never gone away, not completely.  I know that I am trying my best and doing what I think is right and I always trust my instincts when it comes to Dylan, but there are times when I start to second guess every decision I've ever made and moving here and switching schools and putting him on Ritalin...  But I know, from his school and his doctor, that it is helping him, and I see it helping him when he is home.  There are always going to be people who don't agree with your parenting skills or style, but in my eyes, as long as you're doing your best - your true, honest best - and making sure they have food and clothes and safety and security and love... then no one has the right to tell you you're doing anything wrong.

        The best thing about being a Mom is ... all the rest.  The hugs, the I love you's, the jokes, the stories, the way he loves to add "actually" "also" "technically" to everything you say to him.  It drives my fiance crazy (military mind set...) but most of the time I like hearing his thoughts, even if they're wrong, because it spins it into a perspective of a nine year old kid and it's different and I like hearing the way he thinks about things, and he doesn't have to be right! He's a kid!  Kids don't see things the way adults do, and they don't always see things in black and white.  I love talking to Dylan.  It doesn't bother me when he questions everything because that is how kids learn - by asking questions!  And who better to answer them than Mom?

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Day 60

"What are you watching on Netflix lately?" 

        I recently finished "Call the Midwife"

Now I have switched to "Land Girls".

        I'm kind of obsessed with British Television, however, I only watch it when no one else is home.  I can't stand it when people make fun of what I watch... makes me feel like I'm not allowed to like the things I like... I also have to watch with the subtitles on, because the accents are so thick.