Sunday, March 2, 2014

Day 61

"What is the hardest part of being a Mom? What is the most rewarding?" 

        Oh, wow. That is a difficult question.
        I was very young when I had Dylan.  I was only 19 when I got pregnant, and 20 when I had him, but he is my only child and, from the looks of it, will probably always be.
        I remember when he was first born, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  When they brought him over to me and I saw him for the first time, and the nurse put him in my arms, I cried, tears of joy and awe and this overwhelming amount of love I never knew existed.  I never knew it was possible to love another human being that much, and one hundred percent unconditionally.  I don't think it's something any mother/parent can prepare for, either.  It's wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
        The hardest part of being a parent for me was feeling like I'm failing him in some way.  That I'm doing it all wrong and making the wrong choices and not giving him everything he deserves. I have never once put on own pride over the welfare of my child, and for that I think some people believed I was weak or like I didn't feel connected to him, when I did.  I felt 100% connected to Dylan from the moment he was born, but I was so terrified I was going to hurt hum or drop him or totally ruin his life, that I allowed other people to take over at times because I thought they knew better than I did.

        That feeling has never gone away, not completely.  I know that I am trying my best and doing what I think is right and I always trust my instincts when it comes to Dylan, but there are times when I start to second guess every decision I've ever made and moving here and switching schools and putting him on Ritalin...  But I know, from his school and his doctor, that it is helping him, and I see it helping him when he is home.  There are always going to be people who don't agree with your parenting skills or style, but in my eyes, as long as you're doing your best - your true, honest best - and making sure they have food and clothes and safety and security and love... then no one has the right to tell you you're doing anything wrong.

        The best thing about being a Mom is ... all the rest.  The hugs, the I love you's, the jokes, the stories, the way he loves to add "actually" "also" "technically" to everything you say to him.  It drives my fiance crazy (military mind set...) but most of the time I like hearing his thoughts, even if they're wrong, because it spins it into a perspective of a nine year old kid and it's different and I like hearing the way he thinks about things, and he doesn't have to be right! He's a kid!  Kids don't see things the way adults do, and they don't always see things in black and white.  I love talking to Dylan.  It doesn't bother me when he questions everything because that is how kids learn - by asking questions!  And who better to answer them than Mom?

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