Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 120

"How are you feeling right now and why?"

        Frustrated, confused, overwhelmed and nervous.

        I might be getting a car tomorrow... but it is not definite yet. And it is making me nervous.  2001 Honda Accord LX, 4 door... everything is in good condition except that it needs new front tires and front brakes.  Not just pads, rotors, too.  It has a few dents but nothing major, and I don't care about aesthetics.  I just need a working car.  Waiting until tomorrow is making me nervous and the work it needs is making me more nervous and so... yea... it's been a rough week.

        On top of all that, I am a hormonal, crazy, psych bitch who really needs to get checked... All of my doctors are through URMC, and they have an online portal called My Chart.  I had an OB appointment on Monday that did not go as I had wanted it too.
        My chart is for people, like me, who have anxiety and don't like speaking on the phone.  My chart is supposed to be a way to communicate with your doctor easier than waiting on hold for twenty minutes until someone finally picks up, says they will relay the message to your doctor and doesn't, and then you don't hear back for two days after the fact, when you don't even need them anymore.
        My chart is supposed to be an easier, faster way to talk to your doctor, even when you are an emotional, hormonal, painful wreck.
        I tend to act fairly crazy when I am hormonal and in pain.  It's scary to be around me.  I am a ticking time bomb; the slightest thing can set me off.  Looking at me with a face I interpret as wrong, saying the wrong thing, using a harsh tone of voice.  Anything can set me off and then I'm gone. FUCKING INSANE.
        Friday was bad.  Monday was worse.  My doctor helped by giving me more birth control to prevent the cysts from forming, which I'm fine with, but the fact that I was crying in pain meant nothing to them.  It made me feel like they did not believe me.  Why would you write someone a prescription for something they can buy over the counter?  Something that I have told them repeatedly does not work?  It makes no sense.
        I swear, I will never ask for help again.  If I am dying in the streets, bleeding to death, I will not ask anyone to stop.  I think at this point I would rather die than ever feel like that again.  Like I don't know my own body, like I am being misconstrued as some kind of drug seeker.  I have never been addicted to anything in my life, not even cigarettes...
        And I have a kid that I love more than anything in the universe.
        The last time I went to the dentist, which was about five years ago, I was basically accused of being a drug seeker because of my fear of the dentist and I asked to be knocked out (not the gas, I wanted full on anesthesia), so that kind of shows you how well I handle things like that.  Now I will be afraid to go to the OB for the rest of my life.
        So, no more babies for me.  Once I am out of the birth control and they won't give me more without being seen, I will be done with that and the cysts will probably come back... But I guess I will just have to live with it.
        I honestly wish I could get a hysterectomy. I don't want to be in pain, and I don't want to need pain medicine.  And I don't want to feel like a horrible person because I actually needed real pain medicine that actually works for a few days a month.
        It is utter bullshit.  It is not fair that the few who do get addicted make it hard for the rest of us who actually NEED it temporarily.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Day 119

"If you were deserted on an island, what would you bring?"

        Fresh water.  Lots and lots of fresh water.  



        Shampoo/Conditioner/hair brush and ties. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

Day 118

"What is your favorite month of the year and why?"

        I have two.  

        May and October. 

        May because my favorite flower in the whole world is in season; lilacs.  And Rochester has an annual Lilac Festival.  

        October because of all the beautiful fall foliage. I love autumn.  

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Day 117

"Write a poem about how you are feeling right now."

Okay... here goes nothing...

My heart flutters in my chest,
My entire body swerves,
I wish it were because of something good,
But it's only caused by nerves. 
For months my anxiety has taken over,
My life has been a living hell.
It's been to cold to go outside
I feel so trapped inside this shell 
It has been five months
And it still hasn't happened
I was so close...
But every time it was abandoned 
Just when I thought
It was time to give up
That no matter what I did,
It would never be enough 
A miracle happened,
A surprise so out of the blue
I never saw it coming,
Never for a second, even knew.  
And now I know it will be okay
I will not give up, I will not give way
I am so grateful for your altruism
Because you saved my life today.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Day 116

"Rochester Museum and Science Center"

        Today, we took the kids to the planetarium and science center.  I was nervous about the crowd at first, but I was relieved when we got there to see it was not very busy.  We saw a show in the planetarium called Search for Another Earth, which was my favorite part.  The kids really liked that too.
        After that, we went to the museum part, and the kids had a lot of fun.  They have cool, kid friendly exhibits and play areas that are also scientific.  We were supposed to go a month ago for Dylan's birthday, but were unable to, I can't remember why, I think we were sick or something, but I love that my kid wanted to go to a museum for his birthday.  He was in his element, and he is going to make a hell of a scientist one day!

Friday, April 25, 2014

Day 115

"Have you ever been betrayed by someone you trusted?"

        Yes.  By more than one person.  By many people who were supposed friends, and family members who were supposed to protect me.  It feels like a real stab in the chest in the beginning, and if you're like me, for years and years after.  I have a hard time letting things go.  I tend to dwell on things; wish they had gone another way, wish I was able to say something, instead of shutting down and just taking it.  
        I swear, if everything I've ever thought actually came true, a lot of people would have suffered some pretty gruesome, slow and painful deaths...

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Day 114

"Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy?"

        Yes, of course. But I'm a mom.  I love helping people.   I love making other's happy.  But because of my anxiety, there are some times when it is hard for me to to push my own fears aside and do something purely for someone else.  Going anywhere that I know will be be busy and crowded is something I am still unable to do.  Leaving the house on Saturday's has always been hard for me, even though I know Saturday's are the days you're supposed to go out because that is when everything is going on and when the whole family can do something together.  
        There have been times I've been unable to do things because I knew there would be a crowd; taking my son to see a movie on a Saturday because I knew it was going to be a full theater; going to an ex-friends bachelorette party because I knew the restaurant was going to be packed that Saturday night because it is EVERY Saturday night, and I didn't want to freak out and ruin her night.  
        When it does not involve large groups of people, or crowded places, I'm normally okay.  For the past few months, I have been helping my aunt with basically everything from taking her grocery shopping to helping her pack to move.  I don't mind doing it because I know it makes her less stressed, and also my grandparents less stressed.  I don't really consider that going "out of my way", though.  

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Day 113

"What activities make you lose track of time?"

        I remember learning about this in cognitive psychology back at Brockport.  The "technical" term for this is called:
Flow: a state of complete immersion in an activity. "Being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you're using your skills to the utmost."
        The one thing that ALWAYS makes me completely oblivious of time is when I write.  Writing the Aubrey Nightingale story was one of the things I could do for hours and look down and realize it was 2 o'clock in the morning and that's why my eyes were hurting, when I swore I had just looked at the clock and it said 9:13 pm.  That is what happens when you are in flow, in the zone, in what is your true calling.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Day 112

Author Q & A

1. What am I currently working on? - An old story I started a few years ago, was titled "Blinding", but I am leaning in a different direction now, playing around with a few ideas.  It was inspired by so many things: the song "Blinding" by Florence + the Machine, three episodes of Doctor Who; "Silence in the Library"/"Forest of the Dead" (a two part episode) "Amy's Choice", and a little bit of "Inception" thrown in.
"A woman from the future is living in the past, and she cannot break free of it's grasp."

2. How does my work differ from others of its genre?  It's written by me.

3. Why do I write what I do?  Because I like it? LOL I write what inspires me to write, whether it be fantasy, science fiction, young adult coming of age, or random poetry.

4. How does my writing process work?  I sit down at the computer.  Open up Open Office and start writing.  Sometimes it involves a song or a TV show or a book that inspired me, and if that is the case I will have to listen/watch/read that over and over again until I have it memorized and embedded in my brain so I know where I'm going with the story, but normally, it's all just sitting down and doing it.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Day 111

"What is something you hope you never have to do?"

        Oh, my.
        Well, one of my biggest fears is talking in front of large crowds of people -- or even small ones -- or be on camera for, well, anything.  The idea of being on camera totally scares me.  Even the videos I have made myself, before my USB ports decided to die, I was terrified of putting online.  It was a small step in trying to get over the fear, but I guess it wasn't meant to be, because my computer won't read my webcam anymore either... Guess we'll just have to wait on that one.  Filming myself isn't as scary as someone else because I can see myself when I'm doing it and I can adjust the camera and lighting the way I want it. So, yea, being on a real professional camera for TV, or whatever, is something I hope I never have to do. 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Day 110

"What people in your life inspire you the most?"

        My son.
        My friends, Katie, Alyse, & Jackie. 
        And the people who have read my stories and given me honest feedback, but also the fans who send me the most beautiful messages about Aubrey Nightingale, I thank you.  
        You inspire me to keep going.  

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Day 109

"Name one boy who means a lot to you."

        Not fair... because I have two. 
        My fiance, Matt.  
        And my son, Dylan.

        Sorry, I can't name only one.  

Friday, April 18, 2014

Day 108

"Do you think it's possible to be single and happy"

        I understand why people want a relationship.  It's hard being alone and having to do everything on your own, however, it's not impossible, and I truly believe the only person you can rely on 100% is yourself.  Sometimes, being in a relationship and relying on another person can lead to disappointments.  When you expect someone to pull their own weight in a relationship and they don't ... then you start to miss the single life.  
        It is important to have autonomy.  And I'd rather have that than be in a co-dependent relationship. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Day 107

"Do you believe that if you want something enough you’ll get it?"

     Absolutely.  But it requires a lot of work, dedication, and taking risks.  It means you have to stop being afraid of rejection, and if someone says, "No," then it's time to move on to someone else until you get a yes.  Being a writer, you get a lot of no's.  It doesn't mean stop or give up.  Just move on, and keep moving forward.  

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Day 106

"Nana's  Birthday!"

        Today is my Momma's, Dylan's Nana's birthday and we both love her soooo much that I am dedicating this post to her.  She is an amazing woman who struggled to be a single mom most of my life, but she did it and I'm still here.
        Thank you mom for all that you do and for all that you've done.  You're awesome!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Day 105

"What do you think is the most important part in a relationship?"

        Trust.  And Love.  But you have to have trust, otherwise, it's a toxic love and a seriously unhealthy relationship that will most likely end badly.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Day 104

"Do you wish upon 11:11 even if it may not come true?"

        When I notice the time, yes, I do.  I've always done it, since I was a kid, and it's fun to make wishes.  

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Day 103

"List 5 important lessons you've learned throughout your life." 

        1.  The only person you can rely on 100% is yourself.  Never, ever, ever put yourself in a situation where you are co-dependent on anyone else, even family, because you never know what the future holds, or how long they will be there for you, or if/when they decide to leave.  Be as independent as possible. 

        2.  My pride is not more important than the welfare of my child. 

        3. Do not let fear stop you from living your life.  Failure happens, and you learn from it.  So what if you fail, at least you were brave enough to try.  

        4. Money is a necessary thing you need to survive, no matter how much you don't want it.  It sucks and I hate it.  

        5.  Don't believe everything you hear, read, see, or even think.  Research.  Think outside the box.  Look at it from different perspectives.  

"There are no facts, only interpretations." ~ Nietzsche

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Day 102

"Road Trip"

        Going on a road trip today, just for the day, to get away and see something.  Anything.  Not far, just to East Aurora, to a store my dad always talks about.  Then we'll stop by Niagara Falls, NY to get the shit view of the falls (Canada gets the good view...).  Should be a fun time, even if it is a really long car ride.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Day 101

"Is it easier to forgive or forget?"

        Forgive.  I never forget.
        I am a woman.  What do you expect.
        And sometimes when I remember, I no longer forgive...
        It's kind of a vicious circle.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Day 100

"Describe your favorite place in the world."

         Somewhere, quiet.  Peaceful, zen-like.  With books and coffee and A TON of stars to look up to at night.  Cherry Springs State Park.  The Adirondacks.  

        And anywhere with my best friend, Katie. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Day 99

"Do you think it’s better to have a few close best friends or to have a lot of acquaintances?"

       A few close friends.  I only have four girl friends (in real life, not including my online/imaginary friends) and I consider all of them like my family. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Day 98

"What would be the hardest and most fearful thing you would/will ever have to face in your lifetime?"

        My family dying. 
        We all know it's going to happen eventually, later rather than sooner, but still.

        No one gets out alive...

Monday, April 7, 2014

Day 97

Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide 

"I somehow managed to convince myself that everything was still under my control right up until I found myself wishing that nothing loved me so I wouldn't feel obligated to keep existing.""It's a strange moment when you realize that you don't want to be alive anymore... Yet there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise... it felt like I had been dragging myself through the most miserable, endless wasteland..."

There's no discreet or comfortable way to tell anyone else in your life that you are suicidal... because what always ends up happening is a guilt trip.  They make you feel guilty because "how dare you want to leave me!"  "How am I supposed to move on without you?" "How could you be that selfish?"

Well, the same way you did before I existed.  Before I entered your life.  I am not your sole purpose for existing, why are you making me feel like I am yours? 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Day 96

"If you were a super hero, what kind of powers would you have?"

I'd want 3.

1. Telekinesis
2. The ability to heal others
3. Jumping(teleporting), like from the movie "Jumper".

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Day 95

"What is the name of your pet?"

        Taz.  Tazzy.  TazzyCat ... and sometimes, Shithead.  


He's a lush who loves dry wine and pineapples.  

Friday, April 4, 2014

Day 94

"What are you currently reading?"

        Mara Dyer series, for the second time.

        Not sure if it's because it's fucking epic, Noah Shaw is a dream, or if I can relate so much to Mara, it scares me, but I cannot put it down. AGAIN.

        But either way, if you want to read a well written YA book, with witty, hilarious and intelligent dialogue, that will mind fuck you from here until next month, read this.

        Third and last book comes out in November. FUCKING NOVEMBER!!!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Day 93

On Motherhood 

You know you're a good mother when ...

  • you put your child before yourself
  • you're nurturing.  you take care and actually give a shit when your kid is sick and don't get pissed at them and think they are lying as they puke all over themselves in the car waiting for you to get your Chinese food. 
  • you're patient.  you listen.  you take the time to hear what your child is trying to tell you instead of telling them to sit down and shut up
  • you value their opinion, whether it's "right" or not... 
  • you have the ability to love someone other than yourself, and the size of your partners wallet.  

You know you need to have your tubes tied when...

  • you have permanent brain damage
  • you're a drug addict 
  • you're self obsessed 
  • and this
  • Oh, I know one of these, and she is a mother ... I feel bad for her kid. 

        You can keep reading them if you just click next, I really don't have to post anymore.  But seriously.  Just don't or stop having kids if you only care about yourself and money.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Day 91

"List 20 adjectives that describe you."

*In no particular order, thank you very much, fiance.

  1. Introverted
  2. Emotional
  3. Idealistic
  4. Understanding
  5. Peace-loving
  6. Sensitive
  7. Quiet
  8. Sympathetic
  9. Conscientious
  10. Complicated
  11. Inconspicuous
  12. Warm-hearted
  13. Complex
  14. Imaginative
  15. Helpful
  16. Demanding
  17. Reserved
  18. Vulnerable
  19. Recluse
  20. Loving