Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 120

"How are you feeling right now and why?"

        Frustrated, confused, overwhelmed and nervous.

        I might be getting a car tomorrow... but it is not definite yet. And it is making me nervous.  2001 Honda Accord LX, 4 door... everything is in good condition except that it needs new front tires and front brakes.  Not just pads, rotors, too.  It has a few dents but nothing major, and I don't care about aesthetics.  I just need a working car.  Waiting until tomorrow is making me nervous and the work it needs is making me more nervous and so... yea... it's been a rough week.

        On top of all that, I am a hormonal, crazy, psych bitch who really needs to get checked... All of my doctors are through URMC, and they have an online portal called My Chart.  I had an OB appointment on Monday that did not go as I had wanted it too.
        My chart is for people, like me, who have anxiety and don't like speaking on the phone.  My chart is supposed to be a way to communicate with your doctor easier than waiting on hold for twenty minutes until someone finally picks up, says they will relay the message to your doctor and doesn't, and then you don't hear back for two days after the fact, when you don't even need them anymore.
        My chart is supposed to be an easier, faster way to talk to your doctor, even when you are an emotional, hormonal, painful wreck.
        I tend to act fairly crazy when I am hormonal and in pain.  It's scary to be around me.  I am a ticking time bomb; the slightest thing can set me off.  Looking at me with a face I interpret as wrong, saying the wrong thing, using a harsh tone of voice.  Anything can set me off and then I'm gone. FUCKING INSANE.
        Friday was bad.  Monday was worse.  My doctor helped by giving me more birth control to prevent the cysts from forming, which I'm fine with, but the fact that I was crying in pain meant nothing to them.  It made me feel like they did not believe me.  Why would you write someone a prescription for something they can buy over the counter?  Something that I have told them repeatedly does not work?  It makes no sense.
        I swear, I will never ask for help again.  If I am dying in the streets, bleeding to death, I will not ask anyone to stop.  I think at this point I would rather die than ever feel like that again.  Like I don't know my own body, like I am being misconstrued as some kind of drug seeker.  I have never been addicted to anything in my life, not even cigarettes...
        And I have a kid that I love more than anything in the universe.
        The last time I went to the dentist, which was about five years ago, I was basically accused of being a drug seeker because of my fear of the dentist and I asked to be knocked out (not the gas, I wanted full on anesthesia), so that kind of shows you how well I handle things like that.  Now I will be afraid to go to the OB for the rest of my life.
        So, no more babies for me.  Once I am out of the birth control and they won't give me more without being seen, I will be done with that and the cysts will probably come back... But I guess I will just have to live with it.
        I honestly wish I could get a hysterectomy. I don't want to be in pain, and I don't want to need pain medicine.  And I don't want to feel like a horrible person because I actually needed real pain medicine that actually works for a few days a month.
        It is utter bullshit.  It is not fair that the few who do get addicted make it hard for the rest of us who actually NEED it temporarily.

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