Saturday, May 31, 2014

Day 151

"Name someone who really hurt you."

         No, I don't name names. But I do tell stories.    
        When I look back on my life, I've been hurt by a lot of people, and I am sure I have hurt a lot people, too.  Everyone has regrets; wishing they didn't say something, but it popped into their head and slipped out of their mouth before the brain filter kicked in.  I've done that a lot.  And I am sure people have done the same to me.  Or saying something totally wrong, with the entirely wrong intent, and not realizing it until afterward, and you're like, "Oh, shit, that's not what I meant!"  
       I could name names, but I won't.  Mostly for privacy reasons, but also because I don't like to stir up drama.  I know sometimes I do vent on here, but I don't name names.
        I was hurt in high school a lot by a lot of people.  I was hurt in college by my supposed best friend, who ended up never speaking to me again after the one semester we were inseparable.  I never fully understood why.  I didn't do anything to hurt this person, but it hurt me because I thought this person was my best friend and I wanted them to be in my life, but this was 10 years ago now so it obviously wasn't meant to be.  I do hope that they are happy and wish them nothing but the best.
        I was hurt by a very close friend of mine just last year, who made me feel like the scum of the earth because I have a mental disorder that I have very little control over, which makes it very difficult for me to work.
        Looking back, and after speaking with a few people about it, it was clear that this person was being petty and spiteful because they had to work when they didn't want to, and I can't.  Trust me, my life is far glamorous. But I don't need a glamorous life to be happy.  I have everything I need, except for control over my anxiety... 

        "I'm in repair... I'm not together, but I'm getting there."

Friday, May 30, 2014

Day 150

"Worst book you have read. Explain why it is the worst."

        I started reading this book, and got about... 2/3 of the way through before I gave up.  It was long, boring and I had to force myself to read it.  The entire thing was the same thing over and over again.  They're stuck inside a fence. The zombies attack.  They fight the zombies.  They're still stuck inside the fence... I wanted to burn it, but I loaned it to my friend who likes zombie books, and she said the same thing. 
        WORST.  BOOK.  EVER. 
        And the writing was terrible.  Repetitive and redundant.  SO BORING. NOTHING HAPPENED.  GAAAAAH!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Day 149

"A goal you have this weekend."

        To get my garden finished.  It's dirty and takes FOREVER. But worth it in the end, with all the pretty flowers and herbs.  

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Day 148

"One famous guy you would marry in an instant."

        Ernesto Riley, aka, Matt Davis.  


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Day 147

"What is something you notice throughout high school?"

        That kids are fucking assholes.  They judge you because they need to take out their pain on someone else.  And it's easier to point out someone else's flaws than to admit your own.  
        But high school is only four years and you're done.  You will rarely ever see those people again, so don't let them ruin your life.  

Monday, May 26, 2014

Day 146

"Where in the world you would love to visit?"

And places NOT to visit ... lol 


Sunday, May 25, 2014

Day 145

"A moment you felt most satisfied in your life."

        I always feel incredibly satisfied when Karma comes around on the people who deserve it.  It's something you need to have patience for, because Karma will work when it's time for it to work.  I am still waiting for Karma to come around on two specific people, neither of which I will name.  But I have faith that it will, and it will hit them both really fucking hard.  
        I also feel satisfied when I help people, do good deeds and make another persons life a little bit easier, even if it's only for a little while.  I enjoy helping other people, I enjoy making other people happy.  

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Day 144

"Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?"

        I think it is important to have experiences, because you learn what you like and what don't like, and what you want in a relationship, and what you don't want.  I think it's okay to "play the field" a little when you're young and trying to figuring all of that out (and it doesn't have to mean sex, you can date someone with or without it, although sometimes, sex can make or break the relationship, and I personally believe in test driving a car before you buy it, if you know what I mean. You don't want a powerful, good size engine that can only take you two miles before it ... overheats...) 
        But ultimately, I want one person to spend the rest of my life with, and possibly get married - I am still pretty scared of the M word.  Some people get lucky and meet their soul mate young, and know that they are the one and that's it, but for others, like myself, it takes time to find the right one.  It takes heart break and sacrifice and a lot of searching, before you find someone who has been so close to you your whole life without even realizing it.  It's like the theory of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except this time it was Six Degrees of Matt.  He knew all of these people I knew my whole life, but I never knew him until it the universe decided it was time.  And I remember that moment so clearly.  You can think I am nuts for this and that's okay, but I am going to tell you the story of how I believe Matt finally came into my life, at the perfect time.  
        My sons father and I had broken up four years before, I had "dated" two other people in between, we shall call them G and J.  G had been my friend for years, but he lived in another state and only came to visit me a few times. Then a few months after G left for the last time, I met a buy from one of those online dating sites, J.  He was nice and I liked him, but, he turned out to be a jerk.  "He's just not that into you" was very true with this particular situation, but he was too much of a coward to tell me.  And I was hurt because he lead me on, and confused the hell out of me, and we only dates for like two months, if that.  But I was hurt by the way it was handled.  If he had just been up front with me and told me straight out he wasn't interested, it would have been easier, but for weeks I was always wondering and worrying and thinking does he like me, doesn't he?  But then he'd want to get together and hang out.  It was very awkward.    
        So, after that ended, I remember lying in my bed on some April morning, crying into my pillow, praying  to the universe for someone to love me.  I was in that really low place where I didn't think I was ever going to be good enough for anyone because I'm fat and ugly and no one could ever love me, and so I just laid there and cried, asking the universe over and over again for someone to love me.  And a gust of wind blew into my window and flowed over my body from head to toe, and I suddenly felt this sense of peace.  Like the universe heard me and said "it's okay, Jess. Soon." 
        And a week later, Matt, who was a friend of a friend, messaged me on Facebook.  We started texting and after a few days, we went out on our first date on April 20th.  I liked him instantly, but I was so afraid to open myself up at that point, I was very shy and timid.  We texted more, and went out again two days later and I started to feel more relaxed and comfortable with him.  I think I knew he was safe, and I was right.  I thanked the universe for sending him to me, and another breeze blew in my window and flowed over my body and I knew the universe was saying, "You're Welcome." 
        So, anyway, after a long story to a fairly short question - in the long run, I want one person.  And that person is Matt.  

Friday, May 23, 2014

Day 143

"Do you think more about the past, present, or future?"

        Well, I worry about the future, and dwell too much on the past, and I am too busy doing those two things to pay attention to the present.
        It's a problem.  I know... Just one more thing to add to my list of things I need to "fix" in counseling.  

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Day 142

A little deeper, a bit more personal, and totally ranting Jess.

        Most of you know that I am a mother.  Although, I am not technically single, my fiance is not my son's father.  His father and I broke up 6+ years ago when our son was around 3 and I moved back home.
        I can't remember if I ever posted my feelings about Child Support (I'll have to check), but to put it simply, I never wanted it.

(this was me!!)

        I have personal reasons on why I never wanted it; the biggest being how Child Support was perceived when I was a child, and up until I was 21, when my mother no longer received it for me, and basically told me that if I was going to live in her house, I needed to pay her that money.
        Now, don't misunderstand me, I never expected a free ride, but I was 21, had no job, no car and a 6 month old baby... The idea of me getting a job and figuring out how I was going to pay her almost $500 a month, find daycare, let alone afford daycare, on top of that, was incredibly daunting.  That was one of the reasons why I moved to Binghamton 10 days after my 21st birthday.
        At the time, my son's father had a good job at a bank, and I was the primary care giver for our son, aka stay at home mom, and it worked... for about two months.

        Even when I didn't live with my mother, at 18, 19 and 20, had my own apartment and was paying my own bills with student loans/financial aid while going to school, she still got Child Support for me, and even to this day, I don't understand why.  Because I came home on weekends to do my laundry?  I don't know.
        Let's just say that the money was not spent on me.  Even as a kid, if I needed new clothes, she never had enough money.  I don't think I was a demanding child, the jeans I wore were from Sears, they were the same brand for like 5 years, and I only ever got them when they were on sale for $20 and we had a coupon for some percentage off.  I had like 3 pairs of jeans at any given time.  I was okay with that, I liked my jeans.  They were comfortable and not totally out of style (flare, baby.  always needed flare jeans lol).
        My mother almost used the Child Support as alimony.  I don't think she understood what Child Support is used for.  Yes, I can understand it being used to keep the heat on or something like that, but for so long, it was just vengeance.  My dad burned her, so she was going to burn him right back.

        But recently, I have had an awakening.  An epiphany, if you will.  I am not a greedy person.  I'm not money driven or materialistic or shallow (at least I hope not).  What I am is sick of being the only parent who takes care of our son.  My fiance also supports him, and it's not even his job to do so, but he doesn't mind doing it.  My issue is that my son's father truly thinks he has no responsibility in the world.  He lives at home, doesn't have a job, doesn't pay rent or bills or do anything but play video games, which BTW, are MMO's that you pay monthly for... and I can't seem to figure out where Baby Daddy is getting the money to pay for these.
        So, I filed for child support.

       I don't expect to get much.  It's not about the money for me.  It's about him understanding that he needs to step up and take responsibility.  My fiance pays A LOT in child support every month, more than our freaking rent, and all his ex ever does is bitch that it's not enough, and that he's "stealing" money from their son, when everyone knows she is not using ALL of that money on him.  I mean, COME THE FUCK ON, IT'S MORE THAN OUR RENT!! 

It's her spending money. 

        If I ever do get a child support check, it will be used on my son, for my son, or put into an account for my son.  Because it's wrong to use money for your kid on yourself, and it's wrong to be so selfish and greedy that you send your kid to his fathers every weekend (supposed to be every other, but you "can't handle him") in old, beat up, holey hand-me-down clothes, so you can go buy a second 3D TV, a third iPad and a 175k house.  
        And it will never be enough...

        I'll be lucky if I get $25 a month, but I'm okay with that, because I'm not greedy.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Day 141

"What is one achievement you are proud of?"

        I can drive now!!! ;-) 
        And I had a short story published.  But mostly the driving thing because it took 12 years, after I could legally drive, to overcome my fear. 
       It might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I promise you, it is. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Day 140

"Would you move to a different country to be with the one you love?"

        Yes.  As long as it's a country where women have rights, and there is indoor plumping, and all that important stuff.  Momma needs a real bathroom.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Day 139

"How do you feel about people disrespecting their parents?"

       Children will treat you the same way you treat them.  They are master mimickers.  So, if you scream and swear and them, then guess what ... Parents need to teach their kids how to speak respectfully, by speaking to them respectfully.  It's basic child psychology.  Google it.  
       There's a difference between an adult speaking to their parents in a blunt and honest way, and just being outright rude.  I don't think it's very nice, but when you are an adult, you're going to say what you're going to say.  I've heard some of my friends and family speak to their parents so horribly, that I am embarrassed to be with them, but I can't force them to understand that there is a better way of communicating.  And I also know some older parents who are really just so freaking ignorant, that it's almost impossible to speak to them like a normal human being because they wouldn't understand.  It is beyond their level of comprehension. 
        Personally, I think it's better to be kind than to be right, regardless of who you're speaking to.  
        Unless it's just totally fucking retarded.  Dinosaurs were real.  


Sunday, May 18, 2014

Day 138

"How have you changed in the past 2 years?"

        I overcame my fear of driving, got my license, and got my first car.  
        I don't write as much as I used to, which makes me sad. I feel like I've lost my Mojo, my muse, the wonderful thing I had when I wrote... and I don't know how to find it again... That makes me even sadder. 
        I find myself feeling lonely more often than I ever used to. 
        My repressed anger is starting to show it's ugly face.  
        I want to go out and do more things than before, but I am still limited with crowds/busy places.  Can't go to Walmart on a Saturday, but I can on a Tuesday. 
        Less panic attacks, but that depends on the day and my mood, and my hormones and things that happen around me which I have no control over.  I do not like things I have no control over. 
        I am more open to the idea of getting a job, but it cannot be in customer service, or anything that involves working with a lot of people.  I need something that keeps me busy, where I can work by myself and spend most of my time alone.  I don't think a job like that actually exists, but I am finding myself bored, a lot.  I need something to do... Something to look forward to. A purpose.  I don't know... 


Saturday, May 17, 2014

Day 137

"How important you think education is?"

        Extremely.  I don't always agree with the US education system, but I do believe it is important to be informed, instead of ignorant.  Even if you have to do all the work and research yourself (Autodidact), you can still learn anything.  Information is powerful.  Information can change the world... 

        And also this:

        Because not ALL school is bad.  Just certain parts... 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Day 136

"Are you planning on having children one day?"

        Well, I already have one, but you all know this.  Or at least the people who read my blog on a regular basis.  I have one boy, and technically a step-son, too.  My fiance and I talked about having more kids, and I do want a girl so bad.  I want my Skyelar Violet, but let's face it, I'm not guaranteed a girl, and I don't think I could handle anymore boys (LOL).  Our kids are old now, 9 and 10 1/2, and right now I am at the point where I'm asking myself, "Do I really wanna start all over again?"  Honestly, I don't.  It's hard.  I also can't have anymore kids at the moment due to the ovarian cysts, so, if it happens, it happens. But I don't think it's going to any time soon.   

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Day 135

"Is it easy for you to trust other people?"

        No.  Trust is earned, not given.  

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Monday, May 12, 2014

Day 132

"Do you have a reason to smile right now?"

        Of course!  I have the best kid ever.  I have a roof over my head, a fiance that has a job (!!), I have my own car (!!), and even with all this clot/blood thinner shot BULLSHIT and being covered in bruises, my life is still good.  Lilacs are starting to come out, and they are my favorite flower.  Walks are making me feel so good, and my audio books are so much fun to listen to.  And there are thunderstorms tonight!!! I LOVE thunderstorms! <3 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Day 131

Happy Mother's Day!

        I seriously have the best kid ever.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Day 130

"Name something you can’t wait for."

        The fault in our stars movie.  

        Just under a month now... the sheer thought brings me to tears. 

Friday, May 9, 2014

Day 129

Medical Malpractice 

        Sunday morning, I awoke with a severe pain in the back of my left leg.  I thought I had pulled a muscle or tore a ligament or sprained something.  Yesterday, I went to my PCP and asked him for advice on how to help it heal.   He suggested that it could be a sprain or a pulled muscle, but I should have an ultra sound on it to make sure it was not a blood clot.  He sent me over to Highland Imaging, and the entire time I am thinking, there is no way it's a blood clot, it's just a sprain.. I honestly wasn't even going to go - I had some gardening to get home to.  But after I dropped off Dylan's prescription at Wegmans I decided I better go since he had already called Highland and they were expecting me.
        We got there and the woman brought me back into the room and did her crazy impossible to read picture show, aka ultra sound, and she told me to have a seat and wait for the doctor.  Turns out, I do have a blood clot in my leg.  The technical term is DVT, or Deep Vein Thrombosis, which is a blood clot that forms in a vein deep inside a muscle of the body. It mainly affects the large veins in the lower leg and thigh.
        There is no history of blood clots in my family.  My fiance and I quit smoking over a year ago, I haven't been on an airplane since I was 19, and the only explanation they could give me was the birth control I am taking to stop the ovarian cysts from forming.  The birth control that I was told was progesterone only.  I told the doctors this, after the ultra sound lady brought me over to the ER, and they looked at my records in the computer and they all said that the birth control I was given is not progesterone only.
       So, after having that horrible experience with my OB two weeks ago, where she made me out to feel like a drug seeker while I was crying in pain in the exam room, now I find out that she gave me the wrong kind of birth control, when she TOLD me she was giving me the RIGHT kind.  Either this woman has no idea what the fuck she is doing, or she was literally trying to kill me.
        Having a blood clot increases your risks of having a stroke, lung and heart problems, if the clot moves before it can dissolve.
        So, now I have to give myself Lovenox injections in my stomach twice a day for a week, and take Warfarin (both blood thinners) for six months, all because this woman gave me the wrong prescription.
        I have already called a lawyer and am in the process of suing her and her superior.  These people are supposed to help you and make you feel safe in their care, and all they did was mistake me for a drug seeker and put my life at risk.  I am NEVER going to URMC Women's Health Practice again.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Day 128

"Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?"

        Yes.  My kid.  And my bubbies. ;-)

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Day 127

"If you had a choice between a million dollars, or to be able to go back in time and change one regret, what would you choose, and why?"

        A million dollars because I don't believe in regrets, because at the time, it was exactly what I wanted, and I learned from it.  If I never had that experience, I'd never have learned anything.
        And then I could pay off all my student loans and other dept, buy a house and travel around the world.  Go to the UK, Santorini, Hawaii, Alaska, France, Italy... Oh, that would be amazing.  I'd learn so much and get so much inspiration to write.  Traveling around the world is my dream.  

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Day 126

"What do you worry about?"

        HAHAHA... okay, I think the list of what I don't worry about would be shorter.  

        So, to put it in layman's terms; everything. My son, my brain, my writing - or lack thereof - my relationship, the world, mistreated animals, homeless animals,  my friends, my family, the environment, the starving children around the world, my step son, crack babies, parents who should not be parents and the innocent children who suffer because of them, bad drivers, my worth, my value, my inability to never feel good enough.  

        I could keep going, but I don't think this post would ever end...

Monday, May 5, 2014

Day 125

"Anger Management"

        I have realized, as of late, that I have almost no control over  my anger.  I feel this incredible rage inside my chest, and the urge to beat the living shit out of someone is so unbelievably strong, I am surprised I am able to control myself from actually hurting anyone.  I have these really scary fantasies about bashing someones head in, beating them with a baseball bat, putting their head in a car door and slamming the door on their head over and over again.

        I know, I sound like a fucking crazy person.  Even though I have these feelings, I don't think I could ever act on them... because I have a kid.  And I love my kid more than anything else in the entire universe, so whenever I am feeling the rage, I remember how much I love my kid and it helps me to be logical and know that I can't actually ever hurt anyone because I'd end up in jail and my poor kid would end up with his father...

        This is why I need to get back into therapy.  I need to find ways to deal with all of this built up aggression.  There are a select few people I am almost terrified of running into, not because I'm afraid of them, but because I'm afraid of what I might do to them if I ever saw them again... It's scary being inside my head sometimes.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Day 123


        When a person genuinely thanks you for doing something for them, it is not wise to make them feel like an ass for doing so.  Or to make them feel like their words are meaningless or invalid.
       So, when I "make a speech" expressing my genuine gratitude to all the people who helped me get through one of the craziest weeks I've had in a really long time, do not say to me "it's just a car, not an Oscar."
        You might have though it was funny.  A few other assholes also thought it was funny, but I did not.  I was honestly shocked by your mockery of me, especially when you were one of the people I was thanking.  Should I not have thanked you?  Next time, should I tell you to fuck off? Should I act like an ungrateful bitch and demand you do more for me?  Maybe I should go smoke some crack and disappear for days with your kid?
        Well, fucker, my hormones are still unbalanced and my anger management is non existent.
        I hate to break this to you, douche bag,  but it is an Oscar, because that's what I fucking named him.
        Meet my car, OSCAR:

        Oh, and that crack in the road right there?  It was caused by my wrath.
        That is what I am fucking capable of.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Day 122

Busiest. Week. Ever. 

  1. Sunday, spend most of my day looking for cars on craigslist.  
  2. Monday had an OB appointment that left me crying and wanting to brutally murder a lot of fucking people, really fucking slowly....  My friend Alyse came to spend the week with me.  Matt and I looked at a car.  Was a broken POS.  Passed. 
  3. Tuesday we looked at another car.  This ones not so bad.  Also the kind of car I've always wanted, a Honda.  We gave her on offer.  She said she would ask about it, but since she's moving out of state, would probably accept it.  On our way home, in Matt's car, we popped a front tire from a giant pot hole on 390. Fucking potholes. After a few hours, she texted me and accepted our offer.    
  4. Wednesday we (Alyse and I) had to take Matt's car to get his tire fixed, but they didn't have a rim.  Had to order it.  
  5. Thursday we took the car back to Mr. Tire, walked around the plaza and had lunch while they fixed it, aligned it, etc, then went to pick up Dylan from school and Matt from work.  Around 7pm, the girl came here with my car and we signed all the papers and gave her the plates and parked it in the car in the port.
  6. Friday, I saged and blessed the shit out of my car, hung protecting amulets and gemstones on my mirror, took pictures, put on stickers, made him handsome.  When Matt got home, we went to State Farm, got car insurance, then went to the DMV, got plates, registration, etc. Then we bought the brake parts at Advanced Auto Zone (that came with a $20 online rebate!) and Matt and his friend put them on for me while I took my aunt grocery shopping with the Colbalt. Alyse went home.  

        And I only had 4 panic attacks.  I'm getting better.

        Tomorrow is my best friends baby shower ... in Binghamton.

        Excuse me while I pass out from exhaustion.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Day 121

"A Historic Event"

        What might seem like something small to a lot of people, are, in fact, serious, major, life changing events for others.  Like me, for example.

         Because tonight, I got my first car.

        Most people get their first cars when they are teenagers, either for their "sweet 16" or 17 or for High School graduation, but not me.  I didn't even have my license until a year ago.  I never thought it would happen, honestly.  I thought my son would have a car before I would.  It's 13 years old, but it's a Honda with respectably low mileage (less than 122k) and it needs brakes and tires.  I am lucky enough to know two Marines who were able to do the brakes for me, and Monday, hopefully, I can go get the tires put on.  
        Now, I can start looking for a counselor again.  Because I need therapy.  My anger issues have been pretty bad lately, and my hormone levels are not helping any.  I need to fix my mind and body to get them both to a healthy place and having a car is exactly what I needed to get there. 

       Oh, and it's also our 3 year anniversary... crazy. Still never getting married, though.