Monday, May 5, 2014

Day 125

"Anger Management"

        I have realized, as of late, that I have almost no control over  my anger.  I feel this incredible rage inside my chest, and the urge to beat the living shit out of someone is so unbelievably strong, I am surprised I am able to control myself from actually hurting anyone.  I have these really scary fantasies about bashing someones head in, beating them with a baseball bat, putting their head in a car door and slamming the door on their head over and over again.

        I know, I sound like a fucking crazy person.  Even though I have these feelings, I don't think I could ever act on them... because I have a kid.  And I love my kid more than anything else in the entire universe, so whenever I am feeling the rage, I remember how much I love my kid and it helps me to be logical and know that I can't actually ever hurt anyone because I'd end up in jail and my poor kid would end up with his father...

        This is why I need to get back into therapy.  I need to find ways to deal with all of this built up aggression.  There are a select few people I am almost terrified of running into, not because I'm afraid of them, but because I'm afraid of what I might do to them if I ever saw them again... It's scary being inside my head sometimes.

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