Saturday, May 24, 2014

Day 144

"Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?"

        I think it is important to have experiences, because you learn what you like and what don't like, and what you want in a relationship, and what you don't want.  I think it's okay to "play the field" a little when you're young and trying to figuring all of that out (and it doesn't have to mean sex, you can date someone with or without it, although sometimes, sex can make or break the relationship, and I personally believe in test driving a car before you buy it, if you know what I mean. You don't want a powerful, good size engine that can only take you two miles before it ... overheats...) 
        But ultimately, I want one person to spend the rest of my life with, and possibly get married - I am still pretty scared of the M word.  Some people get lucky and meet their soul mate young, and know that they are the one and that's it, but for others, like myself, it takes time to find the right one.  It takes heart break and sacrifice and a lot of searching, before you find someone who has been so close to you your whole life without even realizing it.  It's like the theory of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except this time it was Six Degrees of Matt.  He knew all of these people I knew my whole life, but I never knew him until it the universe decided it was time.  And I remember that moment so clearly.  You can think I am nuts for this and that's okay, but I am going to tell you the story of how I believe Matt finally came into my life, at the perfect time.  
        My sons father and I had broken up four years before, I had "dated" two other people in between, we shall call them G and J.  G had been my friend for years, but he lived in another state and only came to visit me a few times. Then a few months after G left for the last time, I met a buy from one of those online dating sites, J.  He was nice and I liked him, but, he turned out to be a jerk.  "He's just not that into you" was very true with this particular situation, but he was too much of a coward to tell me.  And I was hurt because he lead me on, and confused the hell out of me, and we only dates for like two months, if that.  But I was hurt by the way it was handled.  If he had just been up front with me and told me straight out he wasn't interested, it would have been easier, but for weeks I was always wondering and worrying and thinking does he like me, doesn't he?  But then he'd want to get together and hang out.  It was very awkward.    
        So, after that ended, I remember lying in my bed on some April morning, crying into my pillow, praying  to the universe for someone to love me.  I was in that really low place where I didn't think I was ever going to be good enough for anyone because I'm fat and ugly and no one could ever love me, and so I just laid there and cried, asking the universe over and over again for someone to love me.  And a gust of wind blew into my window and flowed over my body from head to toe, and I suddenly felt this sense of peace.  Like the universe heard me and said "it's okay, Jess. Soon." 
        And a week later, Matt, who was a friend of a friend, messaged me on Facebook.  We started texting and after a few days, we went out on our first date on April 20th.  I liked him instantly, but I was so afraid to open myself up at that point, I was very shy and timid.  We texted more, and went out again two days later and I started to feel more relaxed and comfortable with him.  I think I knew he was safe, and I was right.  I thanked the universe for sending him to me, and another breeze blew in my window and flowed over my body and I knew the universe was saying, "You're Welcome." 
        So, anyway, after a long story to a fairly short question - in the long run, I want one person.  And that person is Matt.  

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