Monday, June 30, 2014

Day 181

"What's the best concert you have been to?"

       John Mayer, November 2003, front row seats.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Day 180

"If you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be?"

        My fiance. For a few reasons. One, is that I have always wondered what it's like to be a man. And two, I'd like to know what it's like inside his head, and to have him inside my head for a day. I think we would understand each other so much better.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Day 179

"What is one of your most prized possessions?"

        I try not to be too materialistic, however, I do really love all my books and journals and stationary stuff. The full series of Gilmore girls DVDs. My gemstones and herbs. I'd be incredibly sad if I lost it all in some horrible accident, however, I know that most of it I could get again. The journals would be a little hard because those are filled with memories and stories from my life, but I could get more and just start over.
         But, I think, out of everything, the one thing I love most is this beautiful amethyst ring my grandmother gave me recently, that is from the 1920's and belonged to my Great, great grandmother.  It's too small to fit my finger, but I keep it safe because it meant so much to her and she wanted me to have it.  I have the most wonderful, generous grandmother in the world.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Day 178

"Name one random fact about yourself."

        I am currently sick with a cold, possible sinus infection, and I feel like complete and utter shit.
        I also really love the color purple.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Day 177

Haunted Leg 

LORELAI: Ugh, I hate having a cold.

RORY: I know you do.

LORELAI: Ugh, it’s bad enough being sick, but anybody can have a cold.

RORY: I know they can.

LORELAI: I mean, I’d like to have a good illness, something different, impressive. Just once I’d like to be able to say, "Yeah, I’m not feeling so good, my leg is haunted."

RORY: See, there’s a reason why you only take one packet of TheraFlu at a time.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Day 176

Is it a cold, or allergies? 

        So, last night my throat was killing me and swollen, I was sneezing like crazy, and my nose was totally stuffed up.  It still is.  My throat doesn't hurt as much today, but I had to skip the gym this morning because I was worried it might be strep, and I've been up since 4 am because I couldn't sleep due to sneezing and not being able to breathe.  I hate not knowing what medication I need, but I think the fact that I took a Claritin, 5 benedryl, one children's zertyk (I was desperate...)  and Sudafed, and none of them worked, I have a feeling I am just dying.
        Or immune to all antihistamines...

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Day 175

On Going to the Gym 

        I've been doing really well with going to the gym since I got my membership last week.  I went Friday, Monday and today.  I am still a little afraid to go on a weekend because I don't know how busy/crowded it will be. I've been doing 5 miles on the stationary bikes (with the comfy wider seats) in 20 minutes.  Then I go over to the special equipment where you do 12 reps of each one to work on strength, mostly with my arms.  I have no muscle in my arms and so much giggle LOL.  No classes yet... still kind of nervous about that.  I don't do well in groups.  I like having my ear buds in with my workout music on, so no one can bother me or make me feel anxious.  It's new, but I am hoping it will stick.  I am dedicated.  I ordered a new swim suit online yesterday, so I am excited to swim and water walk.  I think it's going to be good.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Day 174

"What is your favorite thing about this month?"

        No more school!! This is the first summer since Dylan started school that I have a car and I can actually DO STUFF with him!! I AM SO EXCITED! Swimming and the Y and he's going to summer camp for a week in August and it's going to be THE BEST SUMMER EVER!

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Day 173

"What song has the most number of plays on your iPod/MP3 player?"

        Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson & Hearts Like Ours by the Naked and Famous.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Day 172

"How many keys are on your key-ring?" 

        I think Six.  Three for our house, two for my moms, and my car key.  So, yeah, six.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Day 170

"What is your favorite breakfast food?"

And French Toast, with brown sugar and/or fruit. NO syrup.  Yuck.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Day 168

Conspiracy Theory

        I truly believe the government is intentionally keeping American's fat in order to make money, not only on the dieting industry, but from our medical bills, and all the food we keep eating, whether it be a "health food" or not. They want to keep us this way because the more fat we are, the more money they make. 
        And, yes, the theme from The Twilight Zone just started playing in my head...

Monday, June 16, 2014

Day 167

"Why you are doing this challenge?"

        I found the challenge on Tumblr, and I thought it would be a good idea to help me with my writing. I had been going through kind of a writing dry spell.  Still am for the most part.  So I thought, if I write something every single day for one year -- even if it's only one sentence -- maybe it will help spark my muse and help me finish something I've started.
        I counted all of the stories I have started over the past few years that I haven't finished.  There are 27.  Twenty-seven potential books that I can't fucking finish!  That is insane! I start to think, what if J.K Rowling never finished Harry Potter?  What if so and so never finished that book that is now a New York Times best seller and is being made into a movie?  
        That could be me.  One day.  Maybe.
        And then I think, "If Snookie can "write" a book, I sure as hell can!" (Yes, I know it was ghostwritten... but still. It's the principal!)

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Day 166

Happy Father's Day!

       Here's to all the men who not only make babies, but also take care of them. And not just with money.  A child needs attention, support, hugs, someone to talk to, someone to listen.  And while most Mom's are pretty good doing at that, sometimes, Dad's are even better.  

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Day 165

Only 200 days left ... 

        That's a lot of posts lol

        Here is a very accurate quote by America's dumbest cartoon father, besides Peter Griffin ...

Friday, June 13, 2014

Day 164

When I was 24 ...

        I could feel the presence of the universe all around me, flowing through me, like waves of warmth and love and peace. I felt connected. I had this inner peace that I never thought would leave me... until I lost it.
        I miss it so much. I was so in tune with the Law of Attraction, Positive Energy, eternal love and inner peace.
        I felt the universe was on my side and guiding me, helping me, pushing me in the right direction for the longest time.  It's what kept me going the last year I lived in Binghamton and when I first moved home.
        But then when I was 25 I went back to school and I lost it all.  Going back to school ruined me.
        I tried to be optimistic and radiate love. But as hard as I thought I was trying, I was failing, and failing hard. This caused me to start having severe test anxiety. I lost a huge part of me, and I remember the exact moment it happened. The moment I saw the 67 on a test I took that I thought I did SO good on.  I was so excited and proud and thinking I got at least an 87.  I lost my inner peace and positive attitude all because of bad test grades.  Because it wasn't just one test... it was ALL of them.
        Give me a ten page paper/essay to write, and I'd get an A easily.  But a freaking multiple choice test... They were ALL trick questions.  And I second guessed myself and I changed my answers and the only thing I was positive on was that these professors wanted me to fail.

        When I turn 30 in September, I want to have some of that back.  I NEED the Universe back.  I need positive energy flowing through me again, the love, the comfort, the peace, the confidence, the knowledge, the wisdom.
        I am grateful for this 5 yr learning experience, but I'm still lost and confused, and I need help to find that inner peace again.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Day 163

"Describe your average day, in great detail."

        Well, to be honest, everyday is different for me. 
        On an average weekday, I get up around 7am, sometimes I hit the snooze button and don't get up until 7:18, but that depends on how tired I am, and how much sleep I got.  I get my son up and dressed for school, feed him breakfast, give him his medicine, and get him on the bus around 8am.  
        Then, depending on the day, I come home and watch my show(s), that I missed the night before, on Hulu Plus, because I rarely ever get to watch anything when it's actually on TV, because I have to get my son ready for bed, and then  Matt and I usually watch Netflix, or he plays his computer game while I am reading/writing.  
        I shower around 10-11am.  If I have any appointments, I obviously will shower earlier, depending on the time.  PCP appointments, I aim to have in the morning, between 9-10.  Then I'll get my prescription filled at Wegmans and shop a bit while I wait for them.  Early in the morning is really the best time to go shopping during the week because it's always dead in the store, which is what I need.  
        Counseling appointments are generally in the early afternoon.  I just started this a month ago, so it's new.  Today my appointment is at 12:30, and my next one is at 1pm.  That will be my last in-take appointment, and then I will be set up with a counselor.
        On Friday's, I almost always take my Aunt to the grocery store because she is disabled and can't drive anymore.  We have a set time of me leaving my house at 1pm, and getting to her around 1:20 ish, because I have to make sure I am home before 4 to get my son.  So, we go and she gets the same stuff almost every time, and she gets her medicine if she needs it, and then I take her home and help her bring the stuff in the house. 
        On days when I have no appointments or anything planned, I feel myself becoming very restless and bored. I clean. I read. I go to the library sometimes.  I plan out what bills need to get paid that week and start a budget sheet.  I blog (obviously).  I play online and Facebook/Twitter,etc, but I get bored so quickly with all of that now. I go for walks, but right now I'm limited on how much I can do, because of the minor foot injury (planter fasciitis).  It sucks...  
        I try to plan out dinners, but when it's really hot and humid, I am not turning the oven on.  I make lists of things to do with the kids this summer now that I have a car.  I am in the process of getting a Y membership so we can go swimming and I can hopefully work out a little, without my anxiety getting in the way... I just need to breathe and ignore everyone else.  
        I try to write, but my focus is drained, and I feel like I've lost something very important inside of me.  Like a huge chunk of who I am, Jess Russell - writer, published writer, is missing.  It makes me very frustrated and sad and ... lost. 

        Lately, I have been seriously thinking about what going back to work will be like for me.  It is something I want to do, but I worry, am I able to?  What will happen if I try and fail, again?  I guess I can't worry about that.  All I can do is try.  It is something I've been thinking about for months now.  Especially now that I have a car. I contemplate the kind of work I want to do, and the hours I am able to work (because I can't afford any kind of child care).  
        I spend a lot of time thinking about this.  Wanting to at least try to have a "normal" life.  I don't want my son growing up with a mother who can't do "normal" things because of my anxiety.  And I don't want him to develop my issues.  I want to get better.  For him, but for myself too.

        As of today, here is my list of limitations: 
        1) I cannot drive during rush hour, from 8am-9am and from 4:30pm-6pm.  That right there is an instant panic attack.  The thought alone makes me anxious.  
        2) NO customer service.  I have worked customer service jobs my entire life and I know trying to go back to that would make me regress back to 3/4/5 years ago when my anxiety was worse.  I cannot deal with people like that.  And I don't know if I will ever be able to again...  
        3)  The hours I am able to work.  I refuse to work when I kid is home.  I will not put work before my son.  So, I could work in between the hours of 9am and 3pm, or I could work overnights.  The only issue with working overnights is that my fiance is a truck driver and is gone 2-4 nights a week.  I don't want to work on weekends, unless it's a weekend Dylan is with his father/grandparents.  So, that's something I'd have to really figure out.  
        4) My anxiety.  The big one.  How will I handle confrontation with other employees or superiors?  How will I react if I do something wrong and get yelled at?  How do I handle typical work gossip and the BS every job has?  Will I be brave and stand up for myself, or will I shut down, not say a word, and go cry in the bathroom?  Or will I just get up and leave?  Both of which have happened before.  The medication I am on is helping me a lot with handling my daily life now, as I said before I do have certain triggers that I have to work around to prevent full on panic attacks.
        I am hoping that getting back into counseling will help me conquer this once and for all, because I am so sick of it.  I am sick of being scared all the time.  I am sick of letting my past effect my present and future the way that it has.  I am almost 30 years old.  It is time for me to move past all of this, get some confidence, grow some self esteem and become the person I am meant to be.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Day 162

"What is your definition of happiness?"

        Being able to write, being focused so much on the characters and the story, that I forget about the rest of the world.  Being completely entranced by what I am creating, that my life has meaning again. 
        Also coffee, my kid, and books.  
        And making other people happy. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Day 161

"Describe your future wedding."

        Um... non existent

        I know so many women who dream of their wedding day.  They plan every little detail down to the tiniest of things.  Half of which, I've never even heard of.  
        I honestly don't care about the wedding, because it's the marriage that is important and what should be focused on, not one day out of the rest of my life.  
        So, if by some miracle, I get over my fear and actually do get married, all I want is for the flowers to be purple and my dress to be flattering. 
        And for there to be no more than 25 people.  I do not like crowds and I sure as hell am not equipped to walk down an aisle with a million people staring at me.  
        No fucking way.  

Monday, June 9, 2014

Day 160

"When was the last time you tried something new?"

        Friday, after my sons performance at school, we went for Ice Cream at a local stand near our house, and I tried Wild Blueberry ice cream in a waffle cone.  It was very good.  

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Day 159

"When was the last time you wore a dress?"

        I have never been a big dress wearer, but only because I've been too afraid to wear one.  I thought I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough to wear a dress, so my normal attire for most of my life has been jeans and hoodies.  
        I love dresses and skirts.  And it took me a long time to feel comfortable in them.  The last time I wore a dress - for a special occasion - was at my friends wedding last summer.  However, I found a cute navy blue summer dress online at Old Navy and I wore that a few weeks ago.  I've only worn it twice so far this spring, but I have a feeling I will be wearing it more over the summer.  It is incredibly comfortable. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Day 158

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, for we are underlings."

       The Fault In Our Stars.  Read it.  Watch it.  Cry tears of eternity.  Appreciate life.

Peter Von Houten said this in his letter to Augustus:
"Were she better, or you sicker, then the stars would not be so terribly crossed, but it is the nature of stars to cross, and never was Shakespeare more wrong than when he had Cassius note, ‘The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves" 
        The fault is in our stars, because one cannot control getting cancer, or dying of cancer.  The only thing you can control is your attitude about it.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Day 157

Fortune Cookie Fortune

        "Vary your friendships."


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Day 156

"What do you think of your driver’s license picture?"

        It's not the best picture in the world, but it's also not the worst.  I don't like straight on pictures of my face because my face is crooked, thank you "class III crossbite", but I've definitely had worse pictures taken of me. Like in mid blink/sneeze/sentence.  Those ones are always the worst. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Day 155

"What features/characteristics do you get the most compliments on?"

        Physical?  My hair, my eyes, my skin and tattoos.  

        Personality wise? I'm strange/different, original, imaginative, whimsical, creative, caring, very maternal, generous, kind, loving.  

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Day 154

*Special Announcement* 

        My bubby had her baby today!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!

Monday, June 2, 2014

Day 153

"What are your thoughts on your generation."

        I think we turned out alright.  There are always a few bad seeds, but I think we're doing pretty good, so far.  Let's see how things are in 10-15 years from now when we're the ones in charge...

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Day 152

"What do you think about your friends?"

        I do not have very many friends, but the ones I do are the best people I know and I am lucky to have them in my life. 
        You know you have found a true friend when they understand you, are there for you, do not judge you, and can tell you the truth about anything without worrying about feelings getting hurt.  It is rare to find someone like that, so if you are lucky enough to have that too, make sure you keep them close to your heart, and they will be in your life forever.