"Describe your average day, in great detail."
Well, to be honest, everyday is different for me.
On an average weekday, I get up around 7am, sometimes I hit the snooze button and don't get up until 7:18, but that depends on how tired I am, and how much sleep I got. I get my son up and dressed for school, feed him breakfast, give him his medicine, and get him on the bus around 8am.
Then, depending on the day, I come home and watch my show(s), that I missed the night before, on Hulu Plus, because I rarely ever get to watch anything when it's actually on TV, because I have to get my son ready for bed, and then Matt and I usually watch Netflix, or he plays his computer game while I am reading/writing.
I shower around 10-11am. If I have any appointments, I obviously will shower earlier, depending on the time. PCP appointments, I aim to have in the morning, between 9-10. Then I'll get my prescription filled at Wegmans and shop a bit while I wait for them. Early in the morning is really the best time to go shopping during the week because it's always dead in the store, which is what I need.
Counseling appointments are generally in the early afternoon. I just started this a month ago, so it's new. Today my appointment is at 12:30, and my next one is at 1pm. That will be my last in-take appointment, and then I will be set up with a counselor.
On Friday's, I almost always take my Aunt to the grocery store because she is disabled and can't drive anymore. We have a set time of me leaving my house at 1pm, and getting to her around 1:20 ish, because I have to make sure I am home before 4 to get my son. So, we go and she gets the same stuff almost every time, and she gets her medicine if she needs it, and then I take her home and help her bring the stuff in the house.
On days when I have no appointments or anything planned, I feel myself becoming very restless and bored. I clean. I read. I go to the library sometimes. I plan out what bills need to get paid that week and start a budget sheet. I blog (obviously). I play online and Facebook/Twitter,etc, but I get bored so quickly with all of that now. I go for walks, but right now I'm limited on how much I can do, because of the minor foot injury (planter fasciitis). It sucks...
I try to plan out dinners, but when it's really hot and humid, I am not turning the oven on. I make lists of things to do with the kids this summer now that I have a car. I am in the process of getting a Y membership so we can go swimming and I can hopefully work out a little, without my anxiety getting in the way... I just need to breathe and ignore everyone else.
I try to write, but my focus is drained, and I feel like I've lost something very important inside of me. Like a huge chunk of who I am, Jess Russell - writer, published writer, is missing. It makes me very frustrated and sad and ... lost.
Lately, I have been seriously thinking about what going back to work will be like for me. It is something I want to do, but I worry, am I able to? What will happen if I try and fail, again? I guess I can't worry about that. All I can do is try. It is something I've been thinking about for months now. Especially now that I have a car. I contemplate the kind of work I want to do, and the hours I am able to work (because I can't afford any kind of child care).
I spend a lot of time thinking about this. Wanting to at least try to have a "normal" life. I don't want my son growing up with a mother who can't do "normal" things because of my anxiety. And I don't want him to develop my issues. I want to get better. For him, but for myself too.
As of today, here is my list of limitations:
1) I cannot drive during rush hour, from 8am-9am and from 4:30pm-6pm. That right there is an instant panic attack. The thought alone makes me anxious.
2) NO customer service. I have worked customer service jobs my entire life and I know trying to go back to that would make me regress back to 3/4/5 years ago when my anxiety was worse. I cannot deal with people like that. And I don't know if I will ever be able to again...
3) The hours I am able to work. I refuse to work when I kid is home. I will not put work before my son. So, I could work in between the hours of 9am and 3pm, or I could work overnights. The only issue with working overnights is that my fiance is a truck driver and is gone 2-4 nights a week. I don't want to work on weekends, unless it's a weekend Dylan is with his father/grandparents. So, that's something I'd have to really figure out.
4) My anxiety. The big one. How will I handle confrontation with other employees or superiors? How will I react if I do something wrong and get yelled at? How do I handle typical work gossip and the BS every job has? Will I be brave and stand up for myself, or will I shut down, not say a word, and go cry in the bathroom? Or will I just get up and leave? Both of which have happened before. The medication I am on is helping me a lot with handling my daily life now, as I said before I do have certain triggers that I have to work around to prevent full on panic attacks.
I am hoping that getting back into counseling will help me conquer this once and for all, because I am so sick of it. I am sick of being scared all the time. I am sick of letting my past effect my present and future the way that it has. I am almost 30 years old. It is time for me to move past all of this, get some confidence, grow some self esteem and become the person I am meant to be.