Thursday, June 12, 2014

Day 163

"Describe your average day, in great detail."

        Well, to be honest, everyday is different for me. 
        On an average weekday, I get up around 7am, sometimes I hit the snooze button and don't get up until 7:18, but that depends on how tired I am, and how much sleep I got.  I get my son up and dressed for school, feed him breakfast, give him his medicine, and get him on the bus around 8am.  
        Then, depending on the day, I come home and watch my show(s), that I missed the night before, on Hulu Plus, because I rarely ever get to watch anything when it's actually on TV, because I have to get my son ready for bed, and then  Matt and I usually watch Netflix, or he plays his computer game while I am reading/writing.  
        I shower around 10-11am.  If I have any appointments, I obviously will shower earlier, depending on the time.  PCP appointments, I aim to have in the morning, between 9-10.  Then I'll get my prescription filled at Wegmans and shop a bit while I wait for them.  Early in the morning is really the best time to go shopping during the week because it's always dead in the store, which is what I need.  
        Counseling appointments are generally in the early afternoon.  I just started this a month ago, so it's new.  Today my appointment is at 12:30, and my next one is at 1pm.  That will be my last in-take appointment, and then I will be set up with a counselor.
        On Friday's, I almost always take my Aunt to the grocery store because she is disabled and can't drive anymore.  We have a set time of me leaving my house at 1pm, and getting to her around 1:20 ish, because I have to make sure I am home before 4 to get my son.  So, we go and she gets the same stuff almost every time, and she gets her medicine if she needs it, and then I take her home and help her bring the stuff in the house. 
        On days when I have no appointments or anything planned, I feel myself becoming very restless and bored. I clean. I read. I go to the library sometimes.  I plan out what bills need to get paid that week and start a budget sheet.  I blog (obviously).  I play online and Facebook/Twitter,etc, but I get bored so quickly with all of that now. I go for walks, but right now I'm limited on how much I can do, because of the minor foot injury (planter fasciitis).  It sucks...  
        I try to plan out dinners, but when it's really hot and humid, I am not turning the oven on.  I make lists of things to do with the kids this summer now that I have a car.  I am in the process of getting a Y membership so we can go swimming and I can hopefully work out a little, without my anxiety getting in the way... I just need to breathe and ignore everyone else.  
        I try to write, but my focus is drained, and I feel like I've lost something very important inside of me.  Like a huge chunk of who I am, Jess Russell - writer, published writer, is missing.  It makes me very frustrated and sad and ... lost. 

        Lately, I have been seriously thinking about what going back to work will be like for me.  It is something I want to do, but I worry, am I able to?  What will happen if I try and fail, again?  I guess I can't worry about that.  All I can do is try.  It is something I've been thinking about for months now.  Especially now that I have a car. I contemplate the kind of work I want to do, and the hours I am able to work (because I can't afford any kind of child care).  
        I spend a lot of time thinking about this.  Wanting to at least try to have a "normal" life.  I don't want my son growing up with a mother who can't do "normal" things because of my anxiety.  And I don't want him to develop my issues.  I want to get better.  For him, but for myself too.

        As of today, here is my list of limitations: 
        1) I cannot drive during rush hour, from 8am-9am and from 4:30pm-6pm.  That right there is an instant panic attack.  The thought alone makes me anxious.  
        2) NO customer service.  I have worked customer service jobs my entire life and I know trying to go back to that would make me regress back to 3/4/5 years ago when my anxiety was worse.  I cannot deal with people like that.  And I don't know if I will ever be able to again...  
        3)  The hours I am able to work.  I refuse to work when I kid is home.  I will not put work before my son.  So, I could work in between the hours of 9am and 3pm, or I could work overnights.  The only issue with working overnights is that my fiance is a truck driver and is gone 2-4 nights a week.  I don't want to work on weekends, unless it's a weekend Dylan is with his father/grandparents.  So, that's something I'd have to really figure out.  
        4) My anxiety.  The big one.  How will I handle confrontation with other employees or superiors?  How will I react if I do something wrong and get yelled at?  How do I handle typical work gossip and the BS every job has?  Will I be brave and stand up for myself, or will I shut down, not say a word, and go cry in the bathroom?  Or will I just get up and leave?  Both of which have happened before.  The medication I am on is helping me a lot with handling my daily life now, as I said before I do have certain triggers that I have to work around to prevent full on panic attacks.
        I am hoping that getting back into counseling will help me conquer this once and for all, because I am so sick of it.  I am sick of being scared all the time.  I am sick of letting my past effect my present and future the way that it has.  I am almost 30 years old.  It is time for me to move past all of this, get some confidence, grow some self esteem and become the person I am meant to be.

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