Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Day 365

A List From One Year Ago

        The other day, I found a list of things I needed or wanted in December of 2013. I read over that list and couldn't help but think how much things have changed in one year.
        The list goes as follows:

  • I need my own car. -- ΓΌ
  • I want that house in Greece (NY). -- Definitely not anymore. And it sold, anyway.
  • I want an apology. -- More like I deserve an apology. But I have come to terms with the fact that, one, I will never get one, and two, even if I did, it would be fake. Because she is fake, and not worth my time or energy anymore. I was hurt, and I felt betrayed for a long time, so much to the point that if I had ever seen her, I'd have punched her in the face repeatedly until she didn't have a face anymore, but then I realized all of the anger and hatred I was feeling only hurt me, and I refuse to give anyone else that kind of power over me. I learned a lot, and I let it go.
  • I want to finish my novel. -- It's getting there...
  • I want to be published again. -- That one's still true.

  •         I have to say, it's been one hell of a year. I fully enjoyed doing this blog and I am going to miss it. I'm thinking of starting a new blog, just not sure what it will be yet. I am thinking book reviews, or something having to do with writing and books. I need to write more fiction. I need to finish Aubrey Nightingale, finish getting it edited (only chapter one has been professionally edited so far), maybe write something new. Maybe write a few short stories and submit them for anthologies. Short stories I can finish. Poetry, too. I can write some kick ass poetry, but it has to rhyme, unless it's a haiku. I am so OCD about it having to rhyme in order for it to sound like poetry, and my style is totally Dr. Seuss. Not so much the nonsensical words, just the way he rhymes the 2nd and 4th line, and each verse is, usually, 4 lines. 
            I don't have a New Years resolution, really, just to read and write more, but that's an always goal to accomplish for me. I love the way I feel when I actually finish reading a book, instead of getting a chapter or two in, and setting it down for the night, only to completely forget about it for three months. 
            I just want to thank everyone for coming along this ride with me. I know some of my posts were short and boring, and others long and moody, but this blog was me in a nutshell in 2014. 
           Here's to a new beginning. Happy 2015, everyone!

    Tuesday, December 30, 2014

    Day 364

    "Look back to your first post of this challenge, asking ‘Post a picture of yourself and tell us your hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 Days’ did you achieve any of these goals?"

            I did achieve some of these goals. My number one goals was to finally get my own car, and, in May, I did. Thanks to two of the most generous people I know, I was able to get a car, and that in itself, has changed my life dramatically. I can go to doctors appointments and the grocery store and the library and anywhere I want to go, when I need to go, and when I want to go. I am no longer bound by someone else's schedule, because I make my own, and it is the most liberating feeling I have ever felt in my life.
            I also got a gym membership over the summer so Dylan could go to summer camp, and we could go swimming. I don't use it as often as I'd like to because of my anxiety... But it's nice to have on the good days. 
            I still do not work outside of the home, but that might change in the coming year. I am going to look for some part time work {no customer service} with the help of my counselor, and do a trial run to see if I am able to go back to work. There are days when I don't want to leave the house at all, and then I have days when I get so restless, all I want to do is get out of here. And I'm bored. I need something to do. And maybe if I find something mundane like data entry, it will get me out of my own head for a few hours a week. 
            There's no guarantee, but you'll never know unless you try.

    Monday, December 29, 2014

    Day 363

    "What inspires you to write?"

            Many things. Music, movies, tv shows, things I've seen, people I've meet, experiences I've had, quotes I've read, dreams I've had. A million different things. Every story I've started came from somewhere, and sometimes, it's just from my own imagination, like when I'm laying in bed, unable to sleep, and I get an idea. It always starts off simple, and always becomes very, very complicated.
            Also, feedback. When I get honest feedback for my stories, most of which is positive and negative together - which is good! - like, "It's a great story, but needs a lot of editing." I love hearing that! It makes me feel so good. I KNOW Aubrey Nightingale needs A LOT of work, and serious editing. I have kick ass ideas, but sometimes I have a hard time getting those ideas onto paper right, so my sentences sound awkward or I used the wrong verb, or I use too many commas. (I have a problem with commas.)
           I also tend to overthink things. One of the many problems with having anxiety. I over complicate the structure of a sentence, edit it one hundred times, and it still never looks right, so I just leave it a mess. Le sigh. Eventually, I will get this under control and be able to finish the damn book.

    Sunday, December 28, 2014

    Day 362

    "What is the last book you will read this year?"

            I've started way too many, and I haven't been reading much lately with the holidays and kids and cats and cleaning (stupid dishes, do yourself!) But maybe, if I have the time, I will finish either A Great And Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray, or The Hollow Ground. I just started that one, but it's an audio book, so I can listen while I clean up after Christmas and do dishes and cook. Matt got the book so he can listen while driving, really liked it, and told me I HAD to listen to it, so we'll see.
           I've also just started What's Left Of Us on my Kindle... now I am sucked in.

    Saturday, December 27, 2014

    Day 361

    "List a few of your favorite movies."

            It's really hard for me to pick only "a few" movies because I have SO many, but I will try. And they are in no particular order. 
    1. Stardust -- I love this movie so much, and every time I watch it, it inspires me to write!
    2. Harry Potter -- all of them, except 4. I hated their hair in 4...
    3. Revolutionary Road -- this is one of those movies where you have to think about what's really going on, because it's one giant fucking allegory about how much society controls peoples lives.
    4. Lord of the Rings & The Hobbit movies
    5. The Neverending Story
    6. Meet The Robinsons -- one of the most underrated kids moves ever. Has one of the best messages for kids to learn. 
    7. Inception 
    8. P.S. I Love You - because Ireland, duh. And Gerald Butler's accent.
    9. The Hunger Games
    10. Iron Man -- Iron Man is my favorite superhero because he uses SCIENCE to become one, not "magic", even though I believe in magic too, science is still cooler!
    11. Avatar -- This is the only movie I have ever seen in IMAX 3D and it was fucking amazing.
    12. The Golden Compass 
    13. Titanic
    14. Jumper
    15. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium -- another amazing movie for kids.
    16. The Love Guru - Mariska Hargitay LOL Cheesy, but funny.
    17. Mean Girls
    18. Maleficent
    19. Mannequin 
    20. The Invention of Lying -- I love Ricky Gervais.
    21. Winter's Tale
    22. Radio Flyer
    23. Fried Green Tomatoes 
    24. Star Trek -- the new ones
    25. Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever - I LOVE GRUMPY CAT!

    Friday, December 26, 2014

    Day 360

    Post Christmas Post 

            I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, no matter what you celebrate, if anything at all. We've only had part of our Christmas because Dylan doesn't get home until Sunday, but today was a good day. We woke up around 8 and Noah opened his gifts. I tried to stay up, but still having bronchitis and not feeling so well, I went back to bed around 10:30 and slept till 1. It felt great.
            I got up and got ready. Noah left around 3 and then Matt and I just kinda hung out until it was time to go to my Grandparents for dinner. Only time of year we get to eat prime rib roast, and it is so good. I could skip everything else, and just eat that. I tried to get everyone a small gift - Starbucks gift card for my one aunt, iTunes for my other aunt, pictures of Dylan for my Grandparents. My parents will get their gifts when Dylan gets back, not sure exactly when though.
            Overall, it was a good day.

    Thursday, December 25, 2014

    Day 359

    (to those who celebrate it)

            Our family is not religious, but we've always celebrated Christmas, and I've always considered it a family holiday, where we show everyone how much we love and appreciate each other by giving gifts and eating a delicious meal together.
            But ever since I had Dylan, Christmas is not the same without him here, and this year, he's with his father. However, we are still going to celebrate it with Matt's son, and his mom, and later tonight we're going to my Grandparents house to exchange gifts and hang out with family and eat dinner, maybe.
            Dylan gets home on Sunday and we will have our own Christmas then. I am so excited. I love spoiling him with presents. LOL.

    Wednesday, December 24, 2014

    Day 358

    Merry Christmas Eve!

            I know a lot of people celebrate the holiday today, especially when you have extended family and step parents, etc. So, no matter where you are, or what you celebrate, even if it's only that fabulous glass of wine in your hand and Netflix, I hope you all have a wonderful day!

    Tuesday, December 23, 2014

    Day 357

    Merry Festivus!

            For those who don't know what Festivus is, here is the Wiki.
            Have a great day! ;-)

    Monday, December 22, 2014

    Day 356

    "As a kid, did you want to be a ninja turtle or a power ranger? Which one?"

            I hated the power rangers, but I did love TMNT 2 - Secret Of The Ooze! I never wanted to be one of the turtles, but I did kinda wanna be April. She was cool. She was a writer, right? Yeah, if I had to pick, I'd definitely pick April. 

    Sunday, December 21, 2014

    Day 355

    Merry Yule! 

    One small flame 
    to pierce the darkness of the winter,
    A ray of hope, a symbol of light
    That lives within us, shimmers.
    A light that can never be extinguished,
    And will live on forever within us.

    Saturday, December 20, 2014

    Day 354

    I am sick.

            I am 90% sure I have strep throat, but since it's Saturday, I won't be able to see a doctor until Monday, if they have any openings. Let's hope I can make it until then. I have no desire to go the ER just for a strep test ... So, I'm going back to bed now, and I probably won't leave it all weekend. 

    Friday, December 19, 2014

    Day 353

    "What was the best day of your life (so far)?"

            I actually have a couple. 
    1. The day my son was born. 
    2. The day I graduated college.
    3. The day I found out I was going to be published. 

    Thursday, December 18, 2014

    Day 352

    "What’s the way to win your heart?"

            When someone does something for me that is out of no where nice. Like when Matt brings me flowers, out of no where, for no reason. It's like, wow you really do think about me and care about me. That's something I have a hard time accepting; the fact that someone can actually love and care about me. 
            Also, when people bring me coffee. That is always a giant I LOVE YOU! in my book. ;-)

    Wednesday, December 17, 2014

    Day 351

    "Are you getting bored of this challenge?"

            Well, it's almost over, so, no LOL However, I do have a sick little boy at home that I need to take care of, so posting is not high on my priority list right now. Sorry guys.

    Tuesday, December 16, 2014

    Day 350

    "Post a picture of yourself today."

    I'm out of contacts. :-( 

    Monday, December 15, 2014

    Day 349

    "Your opinion on gay marriage."

            ... who cares? If people wanna get married, then get married. As long as they are of legal, consenting age, then who fucking cares?

    Sunday, December 14, 2014

    Day 348

    "Have you changed much in the past year?"

            Honestly, I don't know. I would like to say, "Yes! I have conquered my anxiety, got a job and am no longer reliant on anyone else for anything!" But I haven't. Not yet anyway. 
            I am also not married yet, which makes me slightly sad, and slightly relieved... Marriage for me is a very tricky subject.
            The only thing I have changed my view on is Child Support because of my own personal experiences with when I was a child, and because of how I see other women (not all, but some) abuse it, and use it to pay for their cars or clothes for themselves, instead of what it's supposed to be used for: THE CHILD. Hence why it's called CHILD support, not BABY MAMA support. A lot of women are greedy and angry so they want to take their ex's for everything they have. It took me a while to realize that just because some women do this, doesn't mean I will. I am not a materialistic person. I am not shallow or vain or think money is the most important thing in the world, because it's not. But I did realize that it is unfair to Dylan that he has to go without sometimes because his father is not being responsible, so, this spring I went downtown and filed. 
            We have a court order for a very low amount, which for now I am fine with. But since Dylan's father doesn't have a job, I haven't seen a penny of what he owes me, and he's pretty far in arrears. 
            For me, Child Support will be one of those things that is an extra bonus, a surprise almost, when I get my first check in the mail. At the moment, I plan on using it on underwear, socks and pajamas because that's what Dylan needs, but that might change once I actually get a check because I have no idea when that will actually be. 
           So, here is a tip for women everywhere who get Child Support, based on personal experience: learn not to RELY on Child Support. Because, for one, some men can be very unreliable, and, 2, when your kid turns 18 or 21, you're not getting that money anymore (unless they owe you any in arrears). So you need to be prepared. It doesn't last forever. And if you're not prepared, it's going to be like a giant slap in the face once it's gone.
            And don't you dare tell your kid they have to pay you that money once they come of age. It's not their fault they were born... 

    Saturday, December 13, 2014

    Day 347

    "If you won the lottery, honestly, how would you spend the money?"

    1. Pay off all my debt, and my families and friends.
    2. Buy a really cool, old Victorian house, get it fixed up a little and make sure I had a library. Then I'd have a contractor come in and have him built me a secret room behind the wall of book shelves where you pull a book down and the door opens, and the secret room would be a reading/writing room. Like this one, but cooler. 
    3. Travel. Everywhere. 
    4. Be a philanthropist.
    5. Get my teeth fixed. Not sure about the underbite because that would be really invasive and painful, but if nothing else, I'd get implants and veneers.  

    Friday, December 12, 2014

    Day 346

    "What is your dream job?"

            Being a writer {and actually being able to write...} and to earn enough money doing so to live. I mean, yes, it would be amazing to find my book on the NY Times Best Sellers list, but I am okay with making just enough to survive. That and apart of me is terrified of getting THAT much publicity. I don't want to be on TV or have to do massive book signings because, let's face it, we all know I'm not really a people person, and large groups of people terrify me.
            I'm also looking for some kind of job, that is not customer service, that I could possibly do part time in the coming year, as a trial run. No idea what I could do, though. Because everything is customer service. 

    Thursday, December 11, 2014

    Day 345

    "What, in life, have you found to be unfair?"

            A lot of things. I mean, racism, poverty, the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer, the middle class dying, children all over the world with no clean drinking water or food, women forced to sell their daughters into slavery and the sex trade, or kill their baby just because it's a girl and death is a better sentence than the kind of life they would have to live in their country. There are so many things about life that are unfair. 
            But for me, personally, I'd have to say, not being able to have anymore kids. I do not believe in myself very much, and there are very few things I consider myself to be good at, but I know am a good mom. 
            I see all of these women who are ignorant and uneducated and selfish popping out kids like it's no big deal, and I'm over here like, "What about me?" It's not fair. Money or class or race or big houses is not what makes a family. Unconditional love is what makes a family real. I love my son more than my own life. I'd die for him. I'd give up my life for him. Don't think for one second that I wouldn't pull a John Q if I had to.
            I look around and I am seeing so many women my age getting pregnant for the first or second time. Hell, my best friend just turned 38 and she just had her second daughter in June. I had Dylan so young, and he's going to be 10 in March. I do question the universe, but at the same time, I wonder if me having cysts and not being able to get pregnant again is a blessing in disguise. I'm starting to feel older. I don't have the energy I once had when I was 20 when Dylan was born. I don't know how all of these women do it. I think if I did, by some miracle, get pregnant again, I'd be ecstatic
            But at the same time, I already have the best kid ever. How could I top that?

    Wednesday, December 10, 2014

    Day 344

    "When was the last time you cried, and why?"

            I cry all the time. But I think the last time I cried was on Saturday (December 6th). I watched the latest episode of Reign, and it just hit me hard. It was a serious trigger. Mary, Queen of Scotland and France, was raped by false guards looking to kill Francis, the King of France. But he wasn't there. Long story short, it triggered something in my brain. As soon as it was over, I got in the shower and just cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
            I don't normally go into this much detail about the personal shit in my life on my blog, but I am at the point where if I don't deal with, I have to numb it. And that usually involves benzodiazepines, pain killers, and/or alcohol. I don't want to use that stuff... and I hate admitting it, but I like how it feels not to feel. It's all so much, and it all comes at once and you don't know when or what will trigger it, but once it's there, you have no control of your mind or body. 
            I want to take that control back. I need it back. I just don't know how... 

    Monday, December 8, 2014

    Day 342

    "Are you addicted to Facebook?"

            LOL aren't we all? I think now it's just become a habit.  Wake up, go pee, make coffee, wake up kid(s) for school, get them breakfast, pour coffee, then sit and check Facebook until it's time to get them on the bus, drive/walk to bus stop, come home, drink more coffee, read more Facebook, play stupid Facebook games, shower, get dressed, go to appointments, check Facebook for your phone while waiting, go to grocery store or dollar store or whatever, go home, check Facebook, go get kid(s) from bus stop, let them play games while you check Facebook, again. It's a habit you don't even realize you're doing. It's bad and I hope soon, Facebook will be like Myspace, and something new will come out. I am on twitter, tumblr, and instagram, but they are pretty different from Facebook. 
           So, yes, I am addicted to it. 

    Sunday, December 7, 2014

    Day 341

    "Do you have any hard, life-changing choices to make, anytime soon?"

            Well, I'm not sure yet. 
            The possibility of moving out west, getting married, uprooting my family and living 2,300 miles away... Right now, it's only a big, big maybe, but it's still something we think about. It's a hard decision to make, especially when the owner of the company already told Matt he could go. 

    Saturday, December 6, 2014

    Day 340

    "What are your favorite types of shoes? Why?"

            Anything comfortable. Sneakers, boots, sandals, or slippers. I can't wear heels because I'm already 5'7", and my fiance is about 5'10", so, if I wear heels, I feel like a giant. My wedding will be, hopefully, bare foot, because honestly, I hate shoes and wish I never had to wear them. Or only wear really comfortable sandals.
            I also have high arches and plantar fasciitis, so I have to have special inserts in my sneakers and supports built into my sandals. It's such a pain in the ass... 

    Friday, December 5, 2014

    Day 339

    "Who was the last person you texted and how do you know them?"

            Matt. He is my fiance. 

    Thursday, December 4, 2014

    Wednesday, December 3, 2014

    Day 337

    "Describe your relationship status."

            Taken. Engaged. No real plans for a wedding, though... long story. But the gist is that we can't afford it right now. Happy. Not overly mushy, but it can be at times. Lucky. Stable. Secure. Safe. It's good. :-) 

    Tuesday, December 2, 2014

    Day 336

    "Five positive personality traits you have."

            Oh, I am just soooo ...
    1. Charming ;-)
    2. Trusting 
    3. Reliable 
    4. Optimistic... sometimes. 
    5. Creative.

    Monday, December 1, 2014

    Day 335

    "Five negative personality traits you have"

            Well, I can be pretty... 
    1. Vulgar
    2. Gullible 
    3. Gluttonous... especially when stressed, or ... bored.
    4. Passive aggressive
    5. Contain my feelings until I explode.