Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Day 344

"When was the last time you cried, and why?"

        I cry all the time. But I think the last time I cried was on Saturday (December 6th). I watched the latest episode of Reign, and it just hit me hard. It was a serious trigger. Mary, Queen of Scotland and France, was raped by false guards looking to kill Francis, the King of France. But he wasn't there. Long story short, it triggered something in my brain. As soon as it was over, I got in the shower and just cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
        I don't normally go into this much detail about the personal shit in my life on my blog, but I am at the point where if I don't deal with, I have to numb it. And that usually involves benzodiazepines, pain killers, and/or alcohol. I don't want to use that stuff... and I hate admitting it, but I like how it feels not to feel. It's all so much, and it all comes at once and you don't know when or what will trigger it, but once it's there, you have no control of your mind or body. 
        I want to take that control back. I need it back. I just don't know how... 

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