Thursday, December 11, 2014

Day 345

"What, in life, have you found to be unfair?"

        A lot of things. I mean, racism, poverty, the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer, the middle class dying, children all over the world with no clean drinking water or food, women forced to sell their daughters into slavery and the sex trade, or kill their baby just because it's a girl and death is a better sentence than the kind of life they would have to live in their country. There are so many things about life that are unfair. 
        But for me, personally, I'd have to say, not being able to have anymore kids. I do not believe in myself very much, and there are very few things I consider myself to be good at, but I know am a good mom. 
        I see all of these women who are ignorant and uneducated and selfish popping out kids like it's no big deal, and I'm over here like, "What about me?" It's not fair. Money or class or race or big houses is not what makes a family. Unconditional love is what makes a family real. I love my son more than my own life. I'd die for him. I'd give up my life for him. Don't think for one second that I wouldn't pull a John Q if I had to.
        I look around and I am seeing so many women my age getting pregnant for the first or second time. Hell, my best friend just turned 38 and she just had her second daughter in June. I had Dylan so young, and he's going to be 10 in March. I do question the universe, but at the same time, I wonder if me having cysts and not being able to get pregnant again is a blessing in disguise. I'm starting to feel older. I don't have the energy I once had when I was 20 when Dylan was born. I don't know how all of these women do it. I think if I did, by some miracle, get pregnant again, I'd be ecstatic
        But at the same time, I already have the best kid ever. How could I top that?

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